It's cold.  I'm cold.  Inside and out.  It's 42 degrees outside, already.  Cold front coming in. Supposed to freeze tonight.  The first freeze.  I can't wait for a snow day.  I want to hibernate.  I want to sleep for three or four days straight.  Maybe then, I will feel better.  Maybe my heart will heal.  No.  It won't.  It's beyond repair.  Only one thing will fix what's broken.  I'm waiting.  Patiently.  You're lucky, really lucky.  Patience is my one and only virtue.  I have been told I have the patience of Job.  We will see. 

I love snow.  I love snow days.  I love snow men.  Some of my favorite sayings are about snowmen...

                    "Some of my best friends are flakes."
 
                    "Snowmen make the best men." 

                    "Snowmen melt my heart."  

                    "Snowflakes are kisses sent from heaven."

Every year, about this time, I start watching for snow clouds and praying for snow.  Did I say I LOVE snow, and snow days?  Something about being "stuck" in the house with my family, sipping hot cocoa, making cookies, putting on a pot of stew or homemade chicken noodle soup, chili, whatever sounds good at the moment....cuddling up on the couch watching old movies, reading a book, playing a board game, making a snowman, throwing a snowball.  Nothing better.  Except having someone to share all of that with. 

It's those little things I'm going to miss, all the little things that make each moment special and full of life.  Such an emptiness in my soul, and in my "forever"...

                                

Empty.  Just empty. 

Everything is either black or white.
On or off.
Up or down.
Real or not real.
Hot or cold.
Lost or found.

In life, there are no grey areas, you are either living or not. 
Dead or alive.
Happy or unhappy.
On a mountain-top, or in the valley.
You either love someONE, or you don't.
Plain and simple. 

One way or the other.
No grey areas.

My brain is just not understanding the "grey" concept...

My daughter bought me an iPod a couple of years ago, as a birthday or Christmas present, I don't remember which.  I wanted one to listen to when working out or walking on the treadmill.  That's mainly what I used it for, until just recently.  Since I've been having a hard time going to sleep lately, I've been going to bed with it, ear buds in place and all.  I think I need to find smaller ones, though. They're kind of big in my ears, and sometimes fall out, and hurt my ears, just a tad.  I'm getting addicted to listening to the music as I drift off to sleep.  I can't believe it's been so long since I listened to music while nodding off.  I used to do it all the time during my junior high and high school years.

In fact, I listened to music ALL the time.  My first vehicle, a 1969 cream-colored Chevy Chevelle, was lacking a working radio, much to my chagrin.  I acquired a big, old, battery-operated radio, a grandfather to the boom box, I'm sure.  This radio sat in the front seat with me and supplied me with the much needed tunes on my thirteen mile drive into town, on my way to school.  On the way to work, at the hospital, I listened again, and then, of course, on the long road home, after getting off work every night at seven.  I must've spent a fortune on batteries!!!  Who would've EVER dreamed of an iPod back then?  We thought eight-tracks were pretty darn modern and hip.  However, I didn't have an eight-track.  I did have a CB though, which didn't supply music, but, a somewhat primitive, yet fun, means of communication.  I won't tell you what my "handle" was though!

Man, I worked hard for that CB!!  I painted what seemed like miles of welded metal fencing.  I actually sanded, primed, then, painted this fence, for several weeks.  That is in and of itself, a whole different story, which I will have to tell later. 

My, how technology has changed, just in my lifetime.  We have the world at our fingertips, at the click of a button, a mouse, a remote.  We can download hundreds,  or thousands of songs on an itty-bitty thing called an iPod.  Crazy, but amazing.  I've always loved music.  But, now, it's almost unbearable to hear so many of the songs that I especially became fond of, over the last five or six months.  So many of those songs described exactly how I felt.  Now, they only serve to remind me of what I lost.  I can hear the first note of one of those songs and immediately burst into tears.  Man, how I hate that!!

When trying to go to sleep, I try to avoid those songs that pull at my emotions, and instead listen to some very soothing, comforting, Colbie Caillat songs.  My two favorites are "Bubbly" and "Realize".  They still bring back memories, and totally remind me of what I lost, but, I can still listen to them and fall asleep while listening to them over and over and over.  Please listen to both of these songs, especially "Realize"...  They are both on youtube.com....   Listen to them alone, so you can really hear the words and the message...

Tutorial:   How to delete your "favorites"...

1.     Click on "Favorites" on top left-hand corner of computer screen.
2.     Right-click on the "favorite" web-site or page that you want deleted.
3.     Remember to memorize the web-site or page address or URL if you think you might want to
        re-visit it.  VERY IMPORTANT!!!
4.     Another window with several options will open up.  The top option will probably be "OPEN", with
        several more options below that....scroll down until you see the "Delete" option.  Click on that.
5.     Another window will probably pop open asking if your are sure you want to delete this favorite.
        Click "Yes", if you have your favorite sites / web address memorized....

Be sure to read the previous tutorial...."How to delete your history on your computer..."

Tutorial:  How to delete your history on your computer...
                Step-by-Step Instructions

1.     Go to top right-hand corner of computer screen, click on "Tools".
2.     Click on "Explorer Bars"; then, click on "History".
3.     Window on left-hand side of computer screen should pop up. 
4.     Under "View by Date", click on today, or yesterday, or last week, ....whatever you want to delete.
5.     For instance, when you click on "Today", every site you visited today will pop up. 
6.     Right- click on each site you want to delete from your history.  Another option will pop up. It will
        say "Expand" or "Delete".....click on "Delete".
7.     Repeat  #6. on each site you want deleted from your history. 
8.     This does not delete your "favorites"...just your history.
9.     If you want to delete your "favorites", just be sure to memorize your favorite web sites!

Happy trails....

Must paint more snowmen.  Craft show will be here before I know it...only a week and a half to get ready...

It's done, it's over.  It's been a month-long process, but, now, it's really over. I don't like it, but, I have no choice in the matter.   My heart is broken.  Always will be.  Crushed.  I won't ever get over this one.  I just won't.  This one was different.  So many plans.  So many promises.  It hurts throughout each and every cell in my body.  Still so sick at my stomach.  This too shall pass.  A wonderful woman used to always say this when something was going awry.  This too shall pass.  I just don't see it happening anytime soon.  It will take forever and a day for me to get over this. 

The horrible headache, the stomach ache, the broken heart, all too much at once.  More than I can      handle.  But, I have to handle it. I remember when my Mom was dying of cancer.  People would constantly make comments like.."I just don't know how you can handle this; I wouldn't be able to."  WHAT?!?  This statement always made me furious!!!  You don't really have a choice.  You HAVE to handle it, you HAVE to deal with it.  It's not a choice.  When you lose someone, you don't really have a choice, you are just left behind to deal with the loss, the emptiness, the heartbreak, ON YOUR OWN, all by yourself.  There are no choices in the matter.  So, I guess I just need to figure out HOW to handle this.  One moment at a time.  I can't do one hour or even one day at a time.  I'm doing good just to get through each and every moment.  I won't be able to do it without God's help.  That is the only way I'll ever survive each moment, each hour, each day, each month, each lonely, lonely year.  He has always been there for me, even through my darkest hours.  The loss of my beautiful, sweet mother...HE was there.  All of my daughter's heart surgeries...HE was there.  Everything I've ever had to go through...HE was there.  My ONLY salvation, my only hope, always and forever.  God is good.  He knows our heart.  He knows our everything.  He promised He wouldn't give us more than we could handle.  I'm banking on that, because I am there.  I can't handle any more heart break. None.  But, in my heart, I know that God will answer our prayers.  He always does.  <3

Just when I think maybe there is hope....nothing.  Zip.  Empty.  Sick.  WHY?!?!

Here we go again...rollercoaster ride.  I just want this sick stomach to go away.  I want to be happy again. 

That's all.  Just happy. 

Baby Jakob is fine, I am happy to report.  :) 

Even though the railroad tracks are several blocks away from my house, I can hear the train quite clearly at 3:58 a.m., after being awakened by yet another horrible nightmare. I've had two nightmares in less than a week. I don't care to give details or discuss either one of them. Let's just say I woke up screaming and/or crying during both nightmares. I HATE these kinds of dreams!!!


I won't be able to go back to sleep until I know my grandbaby is okay. I called my son at 3:19 a.m., and demanded that he call his wife to make sure the baby was okay. They are in another town, three hours away, visiting her sisters, and her step-mom. I'm sure he thought I was crazy and had officially lost it. I was hysterical, to say the least. He reassured me that the baby was okay, but, I still want a phone call bright and early when they wake up, telling me he is okay. Why, oh, why, on earth, do we have such dreams?? I've not been getting much sleep, then, when I do, this happens. Makes me just not want to sleep now, if I'm going to have these kinds of dreams...