Finally got the results from Morgan's bloodwork from her cardiologist today! He said everything was in the normal range. Even the BNP, which tests for heart failure...he said it too, was "within normal limits for her", so, I was very happy to hear that!

Went to visit a good friend this evening. Been a long, long time. We had a good visit. We had supper together, a nice long visit. Now, I'm back at home, extremely tired and sleepy. I am ready for bed!!

God is good.

Busy, busy day. Ran to Owasso to get groceries. Came home and made Seven Layer Dip, a salad, and peanut butter cookies to take to Ben and Tammie's. We all met at their house this evening for our Christmas get-together/game night. Ashley, Jeff, Jake, Amanda, and everyone's kiddos, except Morgan were there. We did Mexican food night again. We played games, laughed, and had fun. Came home and now I have a horrible headache.

Yesterday, AFTER I had made Morgan take her first dose of antibiotics, which was 2 pills from a z-pac, we got a phone call from the pharmacy telling us that Morgan should NOT take those antibiotics because they were not compatible with one of her heart meds., her Lanoxin(Digoxin). They told me to call the doctor's nurse and talk to her. I called her and she explained that the mixture of those two meds. could cause a reaction. I was really surprised because Morgan has had z-pacs in the past, in fact, several of them! I also called the pacemaker nurse in OKC and left a message, asking for confirmation. They called back this morning and confirmed what the pharmacist had said. I'm shocked that I was NEVER told this before!! This could've cause toxic levels of her digoxin in her body, which in turn could cause several side effects!! I called the local doctor's nurse back and asked for them to prescribe a new antibiotic, this morning around 10:00. I thought I'd give them plenty of time to get it filled, and went to the pharmacy around 2:30, only to find it had never been called in!! They told me to call the doctor, which I promptly did, as soon as I got back in my vehicle.

They explained that the doctor had been out all day and had just arrived at the clinic, so, he would probably call it in pretty soon. I gave them awhile, then, called the pharmacy around 4:00 to see if it was ready. They said it STILL hadn't been called in, and I should call the doctor back!!! Grrrrrr.... I called them back and they said they thought it had just been called in, and I should call the pharmacist to make sure. Well, you guessed it, I called the pharmacist back and it still had not been called in. So, now, I call the doctor's office back to tell them that the pharmacist said it had not been called in. OH, MY GOODNESS!!! Seriously? It is now almost 5:30 and I'm guessing Morgan is not getting any antibiotics today. I understand things get busy, but, it's just really aggravating when your kiddo is sick and needs medicine. The CORRECT medicine, at that. I still can't believe no other pharmacist ever caught this mistake, nor can I believe that Morgan's heart dr. never told me about this contraindication!! I'm not a happy moma right now!!!

Morgan and I were a little sickly this weekend. We were pretty sure it was just a cold. Sore throat, sneezing, coughing, runny nose, etc. However, Morgan slept pretty much all day Saturday and Sunday. I should have done the same thing. Maybe I would've felt better this morning. I tried to take a nap, but, it only lasted about thirty minutes before being awakened. I told Morgan I would make her an appointment to go to the doctor first thing Monday morning. She can't get an upper respiratory infection without treatment. Not good for her heart!

This morning when I woke up, I could barely move. Muscles and joints all hurt. Very painful. I took a shower thinking maybe that would thaw my joints out. It didn't help. I finally gave in and cancelled all of my massages, and called to make an doctor appointment for both of us. I was determined to do the massages, but, couldn't seem to get ready fast enough. I could barely move my shoulders, hips, or hands and fingers. We were lucky enough to get in to see the doctor before 10:00 a.m., this morning. Morgan has an ear infection. He tested me for the flu. Thank goodness, it came back negative. If this is not the flu, I don't WANT the flu!! Everything hurts. I did have fever, he said probably a viral infection, and a Lupus flare, as well. I haven't had a Lupus flare in years. I've been very fortunate doing as well as I have with this crazy disease. He gave me a prescription for steroids and cough medicine. Morgan was prescribed antibiotics for her ear infection.

I slept most of the afternoon, with my sweats on and the electric blanket turned up on "high", and STILL freezing!!! Finally, I guess my fever broke, and the prednisone and Advil kicked in. Starting to feel some relief. My fingers are working somewhat better now. Thank you, Lord.

God is good.

Sore throat, sneezing, a little coughing, etc., not fun. I just want to go back to bed. However, I need to clean house and take down the Christmas tree. I don't know if I have the energy for all of that. I've been chugging the Emergen-C (1000mg vitamin C) drinks like they're going out of style. Still have a sore throat and just very tired and sore all over. Just a cold, I'm sure, but, I don't have time to be sick!! Morgan is sick too. She slept almost all day yesterday.


Why is this still so hard? Will it ever get better?

What a great day! Had a nice time at my son and daughter-in-law's home today! Baby Jakob's first Christmas!! He was so good. He sat in the floor, played with some of his toys, and chewed on a new pair of boots! He's SO, SO, SO cute!! Amanda's family is very sweet. Enjoyed getting to see them, as well.

Morgan's boyfriend spent Christmas with us as well. I'm glad he had a good time. He told Morgan it was his best Christmas ever.

I got a couple of phone calls from some very special people in my life. THAT made my day. Wish we could've visited longer.

:)

Merry Christmas!! So excited to see Jakob on his very first Christmas!! His mom and dad brought him over around 10:00 tonight, because he was screaming and wouldn't go to sleep (probably teething and not feeling too good). Amanda's sister and family were there, so, they were worried Jakob would wake them up. So, they brought Jakob over to see Grammy for a little while!! I had his wagon out and sat him in it, and I think he likes it!! He sat in it for quite awhile letting me take tons of pictures!! He's so cute!! He kept pulling up on the sides of the wagon and standing up!! He was very excited!!

I'm not going to Jay tomorrow, with Ben and Tami. Going to stay in Nowata and spend Christmas morning w/baby Jakob, watch him open his presents, then, probably come home and take a short nap or just lay down to rest for awhile, then, later go back over next door and eat Christmas dinner with Jake, Jakob, Amanda, and her family.

Waiting patiently...

Had a very busy, but, productive day. Got a lot done! Thanks so much to my friend, Sonya, and my step-mom, Maggie, and, of course, Morgan, for all of your help on our little "project"!! How fun was that?!?!

Then, on to finish up the purchases for the stocking stuffers!! I was extremely lucky and found what I needed and did NOT have to wait in line at all!! Each place I stopped at, I happened to luck out and find an empty check-out lane! That always makes for stress-free shopping! I'm so excited about finding exactly what I wanted for baby Jakob, AND it was on sale, I might add!!! While shopping, I ran into three or four friends, however, I never even saw them, and they walked right by me. They all said, "Hi, Linda" or I would've never even noticed that we were standing right next to each other. Boy, was I in the zone, or what?

Now, to get busy and wrap my goodies! Yes, I'm behind. Yes, I put it off. I don't think I've EVER put this off this long. Never again. Lots of wrapping to do, baking, and cleaning. Must get busy!! Can't get away with being Scrooge one more day. Must get with the program!

Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I hope the Lord blesses you with an abundance of happiness and prosperity in the coming year.
But, most of all, I hope you are at peace with your soul, and know that many people love you. Remember to live life to the fullest, as life is short, and you never know what tomorrow holds. Live each day as if it may be your last day, and tell your loved ones that you love them, every day. Leave nothing left unsaid.

We made it to the city, safe and sound. We were able to visit with my aunt before going to bed. Had a very restful, relaxing day before heading up here. Morgan and I stayed up extremely late to watch the lunar eclipse!! It was beautiful, to say the least. God blesses us with such amazing wonders every single day. This was truly a once in a lifetime event, and such a fun thing to share with Morgan!! When Jake and Terry Allen were little, we watched a solar eclipse together. I made viewers out of shoeboxes and tinfoil. I still have the picture of them in their matching shirts and shoebox/tinfoil viewers!! Memories....priceless!!! Oh, the wonders of God's natural wonders/events in our short lifetime....
Life is short.....that phrase began something wonderful, but, apparently lost it's value and meaning. I've always lived my life by this motto, since I lost my mom, twenty-five years ago. I still believe it, and always will. Life is too, too short to not be happy. I'm trying to be happy and positive again, but sometimes it just seems so hopeless. I can't seem to make anyone happy here lately. No matter which way I turn, it's wrong. Just plain 'ol homesick sometimes. Ready to go HOME. Where I belong. God is good. Life is short. Miss you, Mom. Miss you, God.

Ended up only doing four massages, instead of the five that were scheduled. I had one person reschedule. So, I had a two hour break right in the middle, which was great. I got to run a couple of errands, before my last two massages. It's probably a good thing, because I am very tired. Getting ready to go to bed, a little earlier than usual. I plan on sleeping in tomorrow!!! Or at least, I'm going to TRY to sleep in, usually when I try to sleep in, I wake up at 5:00 or 5:30.

When I got home, Morgan was cooking supper!! She fixed tilapia and veggies! She did a really good job!! It was yummy!!

All in all, it was a good day! No tears today.

Isn't it funny how God puts things right in front of your face, just when you need them the most? God speaks to us in many ways. Sometimes it's a song. Sometimes it's a sign, figurative or literal. Sometimes it's a dream, or a vision. Sometimes it's something someone says to you. Sometimes it's a whisper or a thought in your heart or head.

Morgan and I were at Hobby Lobby last night, getting a few supplies for her jewelry making, when I spotted a small plaque with this saying...."I don't know what tomorrow holds, but, I know WHO holds tomorrow." When I read it, of course, being the blubbering idiot that I've been here lately, I started bawling!!! Grrrrr....I hate that!!! Why am I so danged emotional...still? But, it was at the same time very comforting. I love this quote. It was exactly what I needed at that exact moment. Probably going to be my mantra for the next several months. I just have to keep reminding myself that God will handle this, and that I need to just let Him do it without my help.

It's so good to have Morgan back at home. This house is SO lonesome without her in it. We have had three and a half very good days together. Today, we were especially busy. After bringing all of her belongings home from college, her room was completely full, and quite dangerous to walk in! Late this afternoon we started working on it. We sorted everything she had in her room into three boxes: Goodwill, Trash, and Keep. As she sorted, I bagged the trash and the Goodwill stuff. She was doing such a good job, that I could barely keep up with her!! She got rid of a lot of items that she no longer uses, so, now, all three of the outside trash cans are full, and my truck has at least six or eight bags of stuff for Goodwill, which I will drop off early in the morning, before I go to do my FIVE massages!!! We still have some work to do on her room, but, we made a HUGE dent in it. It already looks way better, and we can walk all around the room without danger of tripping over some of her dorm room stuff. We plan on getting it finished soon, (while we're in the mood) then, working on the spare bedroom! We plan to get it all done by Christmas!! Then, if we have spare time, we'll tackle the garage. Then, maybe we'll want to go out there and use the hot tub!! I'm just ready to get everything clean and tidy, get rid of the clutter, once and for all, then, just sit back and enjoy our nice, clean house!!

Tomorrow, five massages. Tuesday, going to the city to spend the night with my aunt, then, Wednesday, we go to see Morgan's heart doctor for her six month check-up. Hoping and praying all goes well. Wednesday, back home to finish up our cleaning projects and prepare for Christmas. Christmas day we're going to a town nearby to serve lunch to the homeless!! I'm so excited!! I've been wanting to do this for several years. I think it'll be great for Morgan, as well. I think it's something all kids should do. I think it might help us both to appreciate how blessed we are, with what we have.

God is good. No tears today...just smiles and hard work! :)

I don't know how long this song has been out. There's no telling how many times I've heard it, but, not until yesterday did I really listen to all of the words. I don't know why I've never paid attention to them before. Maybe I just needed to hear them at this moment in time....


"Well, hello world, how've you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel as cold as steel
And broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, little grace, little faith unfurl
Well, hello world

Sometimes I forget what living's for
And I hear my life through my front door
And I'll be there, oh, I'm home again..."

This song really got to me. It's a Lady Antebellum song. I love this band, and can't believe I've never really listened to the words of this particular song. It's a tear-jerker, for sure. I heard it again today...same effect as yesterday. Dang radio, in my truck, really knows how to pull at my heartstrings. I guess I'm going to just have to turn it off for a few months!

Okay, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to make it. I'm doing great. I keep telling myself all of these things. Pretty soon, surely, I'll start believing them, right? Yes, I'll be fine. I'm getting there, slowly, but, surely. Yes, there are bumps in the road of life. This was, and is a major bump for me, but, I'm doing much, much better than I was the last two or three months. I think my mind, body, and heart are all just worn out and numb from all of the rollercoaster type emotions. We are all screaming, "UNCLE"!!!! This is going to all work out the way it's supposed to...ugh...I've heard that before, and I guess "this" wasn't what I was thinking, hoping, and praying for. God had other plans. So did some other people, I guess. Why can't I just accept them this time? Why is it so hard? Why can't I just move on like everybody else is? Why can't I get through this mourning period? Why do I feel like someone died? Why do I feel like I died? Okay, quit it!!! Arrgghh...I HATE being such a whiner!! Absolutely HATE it!!! That's not me. Never has been. Why now?

Okay, I have got to get busy and get my mind off of that. I must get busy, go do my Christmas shopping, clean house, and then enjoy my Christmas break. I'm ready to relax, spend time with family, friends, go see some Christmas lights, make some Christmas cookies, and watch a few hundred Christmas movies. I WILL get through this. I WILL make it. I WILL be okay. I AM okay, just experiencing another small bump in the road of life...

Man, just when I think it might be getting a little bit easier....

Another kick in the stomach! Why? And at SUCH a great time. Christmas. What a wonderful way to start off my Christmas break. Just makes me sick, again.

My heart is hurting for twenty kids, and their brothers/sisters/parents. When I received the e-mail that we had this many kids in our school that are currently homeless, it took my breath away. I sat there and bawled like a big baby, in front of my computer monitor. What really hit me was that three of those students are in ONE of my morning classes, another one of them is in one of my afternoon classes. A couple of them were in my classes last year. I knew about the two last year, but, had no clue about my current students. NO CLUE. These happen to be some of the sweetest kids I have this year, and some of my favorites. Yet, they never let on, never complained, never gave me one clue. Dear Lord, please forgive me for wallowing in my own sorrows and pity, for my petty problems. It COULD be worse. I've always said that, but, never really had it hit home like this. I have so much to be thankful for. I am truly blessed. My kids are blessed. They have no idea.

Today, one of my students asked if I wanted to read some of the poems she had written. Being an English teacher, and a fan of youthful creativity, I said, "Of course!" I read the first one, then, the second one. She was watching me intently, as I read. The second one made me sick at my stomach, scared, and very sad, all at the same time. As if God had sent her Himself, the counselor appeared at my door. I showed her the poem and called the student to the hall. The counselor took her to her office. This very young child, all of twelve years of age had written that she didn't want to live, was a "just a mistake", and all she wanted for Christmas was for someone to help her die. What could make a twelve year old feel that way? Dear Lord, in Heaven, please help this child and her family to get through the tough times they are going through right now.

Why do we always see our problems as so monumental, when there are people with much bigger problems, all around us, and most of the time, we don't even realize they are having challenges in their lives?!

Oh, what a day!! Started out great, ended up great. Not a bad day at all. I feel much better. Only three more days until Christmas break!!! I'm ready. I can do this!

Thought I was doing really well, until the middle of last night. I woke up, probably around 2:30 or 3:00 a.m., and just cried. Crazy. Why now? It hits me at the absolute oddest of times. I do really well at times, then, just out of the blue, it hits me again. And then, again. Sometimes it's a song. Sometimes it's something someone says. Sometimes it's the thought of Christmas alone, again. Sometimes, who knows? When will I be done with the crying? When will I truly be happy again? Or...will I?? Probably never. Not that way. I just don't think it's ever going to get any better. So tired. Ready for Christmas break. Just want to sleep...

God is good....

Not looking forward to Monday....ugh....another workshop!! I'm just about workshopped out!! I would much rather be in the classroom with my kiddos. However, after tomorrow, I will only have four more school days until Christmas break!! I can't wait!! Looking forward to spending time with family, however, I'm thinking I might have to make a roadtrip somewhere, just to get away and think...hmmm....where to go? Where to go?? I also plan to spend as much time with my dad as possible. He's doing so well these last few days, I just want to be able to talk to him, while he is remembering things.

Somehow, I thought this Christmas was going to be different than what it's turning out to be. It's bittersweet. I'm excited for baby Jakob and his first Christmas EVER!!! I'm excited about getting to spend time with him and various other members of my family. However, this Christmas, and many future holidays were going to be extra special, at least in my mind, until a couple of months ago. Then, everything, all hope...fell apart. The holidays are no longer fun. They haven't been for a very long time. I've been alone on Thanksgiving more years than I care to even count, and many times on Christmas day, as well. These are the times that hurt the most, along with Mother's Day, my mom's birthday, my brother's birthday, etc. Holidays just aren't the same without the people you love being at your side. Talk about feeling all alone in the world. It's just not the greatest thing in the world. I'll make it though. I'll survive. I always do. I have much to be thankful for. My dad is doing much better. My kids will all be here, or just right next door!! So, that makes it all better, and much more bearable, under the circumstances.

Okay, I will quit whining. I am extremely excited for baby Jakob and his wonderful Mom & Dad!! They will have a VERY special Christmas this year! My kids and grandson are healthy and alive. My dad is once again excited and happy to be alive. I will have two weeks off for Christmas and that in itself is a reason to be happy!!!

God is good. I will make it, with His help.

Christmas background coming soon..... :)

So, so, so happy today!!!!!  My dad called me this morning and he's had a FULL week of good days!!!  He and Maggie went to McAlester yesterday, and visited w/his sister, my uncle Joe, a brother or two, a nephew, some nieces, and several others that he had been wanting to see.  He named off everyone he visited with, and was so excited and happy that he got to see everyone and said that he had a really good visit with each one of them.  I'm so happy for him, and so thankful that God is giving him lots of good days.  Thank you, Lord!!!  God  IS good, and still performing many, many miracles!  I hope and pray that God continues improving his health and memory each day.  I need my dad.  I couldn't bear to lose him.  I hope and pray he has many, many more years ahead of him.

God is good.

Train - Drops Of Jupiter

This is for my mom....love this song....miss you mom....

"But, he waves goodbye, saying don't you cry...."  I love Frosty!!!  Nothing like the old Christmas cartoons to cheer one up!  "Frosty" has always been one of my favorites, along with "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer",  "White Christmas",  "It's a Wonderful Life", and many more cartoons and movies, shown during the Christmas season.

OH!!  "It's a Wonderful Life" is also on now!!!  Yay!!!  :) 

I had a great day today.  I went to Claremore, got my hair cut, Amanda got her hair cut, we shopped a little, got a new battery for my truck, and had a bite to eat.  I got to hold baby Jakob on several occasions, at least until he realized I wasn't his Mom!!  hehehe!!!  He's so cute!!!  He was such a trooper!  We wore him out last night, and I suspect we probably did the same today!  Poor baby!! Amanda almost finished her Christmas shopping.  Me, not so much.  I just can't get in the mood this year.  I've bought three gifts.  Total....can you say "Bah, Humbug..."???  That's my middle name right now.  Ebeneezer Scrooge...that would be me.  

Excuse me while I go get my Jimmy Stewart fix, watching "It's a Wonderful Life", which I love, love, love!!!

With a thick head of black hair, that little baby girl looked so sweet....I can't believe my good friend just had her third baby!!!  Miss Gabriella Maria....love the name!!!  8 lbs., 12 oz.!!  Born in Tulsa last night.  Adorable.  Went to see her, took pictures, then, went to eat supper with Amanda and Jakob at The Olive Garden. Jakob was such a good little boy.  He sat in a high chair for the very first time!! Oh, and did I say...he's such a good boy!!  Chicken / Gnocci Soup and Salad....yum!

Had a great day!!  Went by extremely fast, got a lot done at school.  Grades have been recorded, lesson plans written, substitute notes ready, workshop Monday, then, ONLY four more kid days for me!!!  However, I do have bus duty next week, so, I'm hoping it's not TOO cold next week!!  Off to bed I go now...so sleepy. 

God is good.

I'm SO ready for Christmas break!!!  Only seven more days left!!  Only 103 days until the end of school, in May!!!!  Seems like a lifetime away.   Will I make it?  The next several months are not looking too hopeful. 

Had another good day at school today though, in fact, the last three days have been very good.  Some nice surprises have actually made life bearable the last few days!! 

God is good.  My God is an AWESOME GOD....

Thank you, Lord, for another good day, for my dad!!!  He called me this evening, and told me all about his day.  He told me he went to the cafe this morning.  My step-mom said he hasn't been going lately.  He did go this morning, but, I'm guessing maybe it wasn't a good experience.  He said he probably wouldn't be going back.  I'm wondering what happened.  I was pretty excited that he remembered how to call me though!!!  I'm thankful that he's had two or three good days in a row!!  He did say that if he's still feeling good by the weekend that they will probably go to McAlester to see his sister and brother-in-law.  I think that would be good for him.  He's tired of being stuck in the house.  Maybe this will lift his spirits even more.  I sure hope so.  Just hate to see him sad and depressed. 

I had a really good day.  No tears!  I'm bound and determined to pull out of this much quicker this time.  I should have this down by now, after three attempts in less than two months to recover from a broken heart.  I think I'm just numb, or maybe just plain 'ol DUMB!!!  Boy, am I a slow learner.  I always thought I could take a hint.  Guess not...  It took longer than usual this time.  I am finally facing the cold, hard facts.  I chose to ignore, make excuses, and give "one more chance".  Yes, I have "sucker" written all over my forehead...tattooed, in fact, for EVERYONE to see.  My mom always said my worst fault was that I trust way too easily (i.e., "gullible?").  Probably true, because I always choose to see only the best in people.  It takes a whole lot to make me lose faith in someone.  I've also been told I have the patience of Job.  Probably not the best quality to have in a relationship.  However badly I've been hurt, stomped on, humiliated, chewed up, and spit out, and made a royal fool of,  I still believe in looking for the good in each person. I still believe in the goodness of God, no matter what happens.  Every one deserves a second chance.  God said to forgive seven times seven, or something to that effect???  I've always believed and practiced that.  We all make mistakes.  We all need second chances.  Sometimes, many more.  However, I did learn some very valuable lessons.  Probably one of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn in my life.  Life.  Hard lessons.  Must go on.  Must push forward, no matter what. 

God IS good.

Every day is getting better.  I'm doing much better this time, than I did the last two times...I guess after one cries everyday, several times a day,  for a solid two months or more, there's just not a lot of tears left.  I'm over the sick stomach...most of the time.  Rarely happens any more.  I only cried once today.  Didn't cry at all Saturday or Sunday.  So, I am making progress, and I'm quite proud of myself.

Just knowing something, one way or the other, makes all the difference in the world.  Knowing the truth, makes all the difference.  Oh, I knew all along.  I just wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth.  But, the horse wasn't talking.  Two whole months could've been saved if only the horse had talked earlier.  How can someone NOT know what they want?  I still just don't understand that concept.  I know what I want.  I always have.  However, like I said earlier, the horse knew what he wanted, he just didn't know how to tell me, for fear of hurting me even more, and in so doing, hurt me even more than he thought possible.  But, it's done.  It's over.  It's all good. 

A wise friend recently told me..."Break off all ties.  If it doesn't work out, this person will trample through hell and back, to get back to you. They will find you no matter where you are."   Well, I didn't want to break off all ties, and still don't.  But, that is happening soon, very soon, whether I like it or not.  This past week of practically NO communication was horrible, but, I DID survive.  This has been probably the loneliest week yet.  At least before, I still got phone calls, texts, and e-mails.  Now pretty much, nothing.  In the next day or so, even less, or zero.  It's still hard to believe....I feel so lost. 

Another friend, just today, said almost word for word the same thing...."You know, if it doesn't work out, and it wasn't meant to be...this person will find you, no matter what, if he REALLY does care about you."  Funny, two people, who have never even met or talked to each other, basically told me the same thing.   One told me this almost two months ago.  One told me this today. 

Personally, I don't think this will happen.  I think this person will never attempt to contact me again, ever, no matter where the future leads him.  So far, my hunches have been right on.  I usually can sense how these things will go.  I may not like what I'm sensing, but, I'm almost always 100% dead on.  Sad, but, true.  I never wanted it to turn out this way, but, suspected it would.  God gives us signs, red flags, instincts.  He gives those to us for a reason.  I chose to ignore them, hoping it would "all work out", as I was told.  It didn't work out.  So, now, I just have to accept it and move on.  I'm doing the best I can, and it's much easier the third time around.  I will be okay.  I will survive.  I have to keep telling myself that.  I do believe it this time.  I actually laughed last night, while here in this lonely house by myself, for the first time, in a long time.  Yes, making progress.  I'm going to make it.  Eventually. 

On a more positive note, I talked to my step-mom tonight & she told me that my dad had a GREAT day today!!!  He was in a good mood, knew where he was, what was going on, etc.!!!  So, I'm still hoping and praying that the new medicine will help him out!!!  :)  Thank you, Lord!!!  

God is good...

Really feeling quite "bi-polar-ish" today....  One minute, I'm fine, then, the next, I'm down, again.  This is crazy.  This is hard.  This is lonely.  Why can't I just get over it and move on?  I hate being so depressed.  Praying for a snow day, so, I can stay home one more day.  I love snow.  Snow days always cheer me up! 

So happy that my dad is having a good day today!!!  Praying that he has more and more good days, as the new meds begin to take effect.  Praying that he has a complete healing and his memory and happiness is restored.  It's so hard to see him sad.  It breaks my heart.

Morgy just sold five of her necklaces, so she is happy!!!  She will be home in two weeks.  Please pray that all goes well and everything falls into place for her.  Please pray that we can get along while being in the same house again, for a few weeks.  I just want to have a peaceful Christmas break and enjoy my time off, as much as I can "enjoy" life at the moment.  That may take a miracle in itself.  Why do we clash?  Maybe we're both just too stubborn...

Moving to Alaska really sounds good right now.  Moving anywhere sounds good right now.  A deserted island would be good.  Only thing is, I'd miss my dad, Morgan, and those kiddos next door, and that sweet baby I love to kiss and hug...

So happy I lost another pound!!!  Twenty-one pounds!!!  Only thirty more to go!!  Woo-hoo!!!  Hopefully, that will be accomplished by the time school is out next May, or even sooner!!  To celebrate, I'm going to treat myself to a skydiving session!!  That would be the ultimate reward!!  That & maybe a cruise or some kind of trip....better start saving my pennies NOW!!!  Anyone want to go with?

Sold all of my snowman windows, except my original one!!  I want to keep my first one, to use as a pattern. Traded one of them for eleven more old windows!  Yay!!!  Made some new friends at the craft fair, made some pretty cool trades, had a great day.  Sold one of my snowman chairs!! 

I'm trying.

Got to talk to my dad today.  He sat with me for a couple of hours during the craft fair.  I feel so bad for him.  He knows his health is failing.  He's so depressed.  He gets so frustrated when he can't remember things. 

Felt lost without a phone for the last 24 hours!!!  It died.  I guess that last drop on the floor did it!! OOPS!!  Dang it!  I hate having to learn how to use a new phone!!  I'm sure I'll like it though once I learn how to do everything on it.  Since it was dead for almost 24 hours, I received no calls, voicemails, or texts...  I lost all of my pictures and texts, but, they were able to transfer my telephone numbers, thank goodness, or at least I think they got them all.   Just sad that I lost all of my pictures and a couple of special texts... I'll never get to read them again... :( 

Oh, this is killing me...my poor daddy.  This is breaking my heart.  Seeing the bewildered look on his face.  Watching his decline...  I'm hoping and praying that the new meds., started yesterday will soon take effect and quit causing him all the confusion, disorientation, and hallucinations....

I feel so helpless.  I wish I could do do something to help him.  I went to see him today as soon as I got to town.  He had called me at work today.  I could hear the loneliness in his voice.  Boy, can I relate. I know he also feels lost.  I can relate.  He feels abandoned.  I can relate. I can see fear in his eyes.  He almost looks childlike, all of a sudden.  I'm not ready for this.  It's just not fair.  He's a good man.  Why can't he get better?  Please dear, Lord, make him all better. 

What a difference a day makes.  What a difference a week makes.  This time last week, I at least had a little hope.  Now, nothing.  I have nothing.  This time two months ago, life was wonderful.  I had more hope, more happiness than I've ever had, in my entire life.  What a difference.  Life can turn on a dime.  Life....  What is that?  Right now, I'm trying very hard to imagine going on with that crazy thing called "life".  Right now, I'm really hating it.  Right now, life is really giving me a run for my money. 

Last night, as I was lying in bed, getting ready to go to sleep, I was flipping the channels, one last time, when I came across a familiar voice and an old favorite song.  It was a Gaither Family Special, I think, or infomercial, not quite sure which.   Ronnie Milsap was singing.....


"What a difference you've made in my life,

What a difference you've made in my life,

You're my sunshine day and night,

Oh, what a difference you've made in my life...


What a change you have made in my heart,

What a change you have made in my heart,

You replaced all the broken parts,

Oh, what a change you have made in my heart,


Love to me was just a word in a song that had been way overused,

But now I've joined in the singin',

'Cause you've shown me love's true meanin',

That's why I want to spread the news,


What a difference you've made in my life,

What a difference you've made in my life,

You're my sunshine day and night,

Oh, what a difference you've made in my life."


What a difference God has made in my life....what would I possibly do without HIM, to carry me through this cold, cruel world, and this crazy, sad thing called LIFE???  God can make a difference in your life, and I know He has and will continue to in mine.  Thank  you, Lord, for sending angels to take care of me during this time.  You and they have made all the difference in my life.  My son, daughter-in-law, grandbaby, friends, have all been so comforting and supportive these last couple of months. 
What a difference YOU'VE made in my life....with your help, I know I'll make it, Lord.  I love You.

Ready for more sleep....Please, Lord, let me sleep all night long...non-stop...

Today was better, amazingly.  God is good.  Constant prayer helps.  Friends help.  My kids help, holding Jakob helps.  I made it through a whole day without crying...had a couple of close calls, but, prayed through it, and didn't shed those tears today!  I'm going to make it.  It's just going to take a long, long time.  Keep breathing.  Keep praying.  Keep busy.  Pray some more. 

Praying for this sick stomach to go away.  Why did it have to return?  Grrrr....  I was finally starting to experience hunger pains again, for the first time in two months!  But, it's all good.  Loving the weight loss....just wish I could do it without a sick stomach.  Maybe I can lose another twenty or thirty pounds...That would be grand!

Praying for my dad.  What to do?  What to do?  Dear Lord, please help.  This is so hard, dear Lord.  What do You want me to do?  How do I do this?  I just can't bear it.  Wish I could just run away, far, far away, sometimes.  But, that's for cowards.  Just show me what I need to do, please. 

I think I want to live on a deserted island, when I grow up.  Just give me some coconuts, firewood, mosquito repellent, and nice cozy hut, a hammock, and plenty of sunscreen...and, oh, don't forget the chocolate!  :)  I don't want much,  just peace and a nice ocean breeze...

Great!  I just thought it was bad on Sunday.  It gets even better on Monday!!  A DOUBLE WHAMMY!!  Thanks, that's just what I needed....ALL at once!!!  I have no clue what to do now.  I don't want to do anything.  I'm done.  I'm just done.  I have no life, no goals, no dreams, no anything.  They're all gone.   Just empty.  Completely and totally empty.  Okay, okay, I'm having a royal pity party.  I'll get over it, eventually.  I hope.  After two months of non-stop tears, I thought I had no more to spill.  Wrong, again. 

I miss you mom.  I'm just so ready to go home.  I'm just exhausted, tired, sleepy, and just plain done. 

Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I'll get better each day.  I hope so, anyway, but, just can't image getting better or being happy, at this point.   Must go to bed now, so tired, so sleepy.  Sleep was short last night, maybe I'll sleep tonight? 

Dear Lord,

Please give me the strength to carry on.  This is getting really hard.  Life keeps throwing me curve balls.  I seem to keep getting hit right in the stomach with them.  Why is it the harder I try to help a certain someone, the less she seems to appreciate all that she's been given?  Then, she turns around and asks for more, more, more.  I can do nothing right in her eyes, Lord.  Please forgive me for whining and complaining.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like a train wreck.  I hate conflict.  I hate feeling like a failure.  Please give her direction. Please give me direction.  Please help her to see her many blessings.  Please help her to appreciate them, as well.  Please help me to let go, if that's what I need to do.  That's the hardest part...letting them grow up, when it's time.  Wanting to protect them and knowing when to let them fall is a very thin, yet fuzzy line. 

And, Lord, please heal and restore my dad's health.  I miss him.  I'm losing him.  I don't know what I'll do without him.  This is breaking my heart.  Please restore his memory.  Please comfort his heart.  Your mom and dad are the two people in your life who love you unconditionally and forever.  They are always there for you, no matter what.  I've already lost one.  I can't bear to lose the other.  I know he's had a long and wonderful life, Lord, but, I still need my daddy.  Please.

And then, there's that other matter.  I need another miracle, Lord.  You know my heart.  That's all I need to say. 

These three requests are a lot to ask, I know.  However, I know that through You, all things ARE possible.  I have loved you since I was a small child, Lord, and always will.  I don't know how people make it through one day without You.  I'm trusting in You, Lord.  I know that your plan is perfect.  I love you with all my heart.  In Jesus name, I pray.

Your child,
Lee

"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in love even when not feeling it. I believe in God even when He is silent."   - Anonymous

I love quotes, and just happened to come across this one today.  I love this.  What a wonderful quote to illustrate the idea of FAITH.  I have faith in God, His promises, His wisdom, His knowledge.  I have faith that He knows the plan for my life.  Why can't I just be patient and wait for it to unfold?  No, Lord, I'm not asking You to teach me patience.  I just don't like being in constant limbo.  Not knowing what to do.  Not knowing where I'll be or what I'll be doing this time next year, or this time in five years.  I just want to know one thing,... just one thing, Lord.  Please show me what to do.  Please calm my heart and soul.  Please give me peace.  This is so hard.  I thought I could do the solo thing.  In fact, I did a pretty good job doing the solo thing, for about ten years.  But, now, I know, I'm not so good at it, after all.  I don't do lonely too well. 

Yeah, tomorrow is Friday, finally!!!!  Blue jean day!!  Hoping this headache is gone by then...

Looking forward to a couple of days off, finishing two more days of school, then, a five day break!!!  Can't wait!!  R & R, here I come....

Ugh....workshops....I hate sitting still all day.  I would much rather be in my classroom.  Only one more workshop day tomorrow....

Three blue jean days...yeah!  Two workshop days and Friday.  Then, only two days next week!  Can't wait!!!  So, next Tuesday will be my Friday, another blue jean day!!! 

Must make deer jerky, asap!!!  Need to make a goodie basket for Morgy.  I'll make her some peanut butter cookies, as well, and buy her a big jar of her favorite pickles.  Maybe that will cheer her up.  It's so hard to see one of your kiddos unhappy.  Breaks my heart.

Another Monday done.  A rainy Monday.  A busy Monday.  A very lonely Monday.  Thank goodness for busy days, which don't allow me to dwell on the unknown, the indecision of others, and the limbo state.  Snap out of this!  This is not me.  Get busy;  stay busy. Don't dwell on the sadness.  Focus on the positive.  Focus on the hope.  Focus on the many blessings you have.  It will all work out.  That's what I am told anyway.  I'm believing it.  I do want it to work out.  I'm praying it all works out.

I'm trying to stay positive.  I've ALWAYS been positive.  Why am I having such a hard time doing that now?  October and November.  Maybe that's why, among other traumatic events recently occuring during these two months...  October and November have always been hard for me, at least for the last twenty-five years, it has been the most difficult time of the year for me.  That, Mother's Day, and June 18th, my Mom's birthday.  October 9th, my brother's birthday.  November 3rd, the day I lost my Mom.  November 4th, the day she was buried.  The most horrible and longest day of my life.  I miss them both horribly, year around, but, especially during October and November.  I need you, Mom.  I miss you so, so badly.  I miss you and love you too, little brother. 

Okay, now I'm confused again.  This is just crazy.  Why can't this just be easy?  Sure wish the "easy button" really worked, in real life.  Why can't life just lay out all the answers in black and white?  Grrrrrrr.....

On another note....what is the deal with my truck?  I'm seriously thinking we weren't meant to be.  Let's see now...how many incidents have we been involved in?   Here's my list of the things that I can remember:

1.      Windshield broken by county truck debris....replaced by county, thank goodness. (not my fault)
2.      Windshield broken by rock thrown up by oncoming semi....window replaced via insurance. (not my
           fault)
3.      Right front headlight busted out by deer who ran into my right front tire & left a piece of his skull &
          a tuft of his hair between my rim and tire...headlight replaced by insurance. (not my fault)
4.      Left front fender wheel scrape/scratched, backing out of Sonic.  (totally my fault)
5.      Radiator busted and front bashed in by giant buck hit broadside, repaired w/help of insurance.
           (not my fault, it was the deer's fault, seriously!)
6.      Back fender, tail-gate bashed in, rear-ended by teenage boy, on my way to school. (not my fault)
7.      One more I don't really care to discuss, at this time...(also, totally my fault...) and this should really be
            # 5; #5 should be #6; and #6 should be #7....totally confused?  Me too...

Okay, two my fault, five NOT my fault.  Not bad, considering this truck is actually six years old.  That's an average of just a little over one incident per year, right?  Poor 'ol girl, she's had a rough six years...I promise to TRY to protect you from further incidents, 'ol Blue.  You know, seven IS my lucky number....maybe, just maybe, this will be my last incident.

Each day gets better.  Each day brings more hope.  It's amazing how open lines of communication can improve quality of life.  In just a few short days, things have improved greatly.  Things are much better.  It's easier to talk, like we use to.  I want that closeness back.  I want the conversations to return.  I want the fun to return.  I want the laughter to return.  I want to erase the last five weeks forever.  If I had a giant eraser, I would do just that.  But, that's not how life works, is it?  I keep trying to push it to the far corners of my mind. 

Baby steps.  That's what it's going to take.  Slow and easy.  Lots of patience, lots of prayer. 

Feeling much, much better now.  Stomach was better today.  Thank you, Lord.  Praying that things continue to improve.  Finally, some much needed peace.  Honesty, conversation, and eye contact was the much needed medicine my heart and soul needed, and I feel like I received some honest answers this weekend.  Thank you, and I love you.  It is in God's hands now.  I am trusting Him.  If it is meant to be, it will be.  I hope and pray with all my heart that it is meant to be.

Had a wonderful weekend.  The craft show, not so profitable per se, but, got to visit with some very sweet old classmates, friends, and cousins.  Met a very nice, generous little lady, who had the sweetest spirit.  Talked to her for a long time at the craft fair, then, again, later on the phone.  God sends little angels every now and then to brighten your day.  I needed her sweet spirit that day, she warmed my heart.  The day was hard, in many ways, bittersweet.  Lots of soul searching, tears, laughter, warmth, fear, and many other emotions.  The last five weeks have been a basketful of emotions.  Much mourning, anticipation, fear, sadness, heartbreak, and finally, some hope.  Hope is what I'm living on right now.  Hope and prayers.  Many, many prayers. 

For the last nine years I thought I was content, happy, satisfied.  I guess I was to a certain extent, for the most part.  However, when one experiences pure happiness, like never before, all of a sudden, for several months, then, it is yanked out from underneath your heart and soul, there's an unspeakable emptiness and loss.  Not something I'd recommend for just anyone.  Not fun.  Never before, except for watching my mother die of cancer, have I been so unhappy, dejected, and lost.  Lost and alone.  Two very ugly words.  A hard pill to swallow.  I now understand how it truly feels to be all alone.  I don't want to go there again.  I want to be happy.

It's cold.  I'm cold.  Inside and out.  It's 42 degrees outside, already.  Cold front coming in. Supposed to freeze tonight.  The first freeze.  I can't wait for a snow day.  I want to hibernate.  I want to sleep for three or four days straight.  Maybe then, I will feel better.  Maybe my heart will heal.  No.  It won't.  It's beyond repair.  Only one thing will fix what's broken.  I'm waiting.  Patiently.  You're lucky, really lucky.  Patience is my one and only virtue.  I have been told I have the patience of Job.  We will see. 

I love snow.  I love snow days.  I love snow men.  Some of my favorite sayings are about snowmen...

                    "Some of my best friends are flakes."
 
                    "Snowmen make the best men." 

                    "Snowmen melt my heart."  

                    "Snowflakes are kisses sent from heaven."

Every year, about this time, I start watching for snow clouds and praying for snow.  Did I say I LOVE snow, and snow days?  Something about being "stuck" in the house with my family, sipping hot cocoa, making cookies, putting on a pot of stew or homemade chicken noodle soup, chili, whatever sounds good at the moment....cuddling up on the couch watching old movies, reading a book, playing a board game, making a snowman, throwing a snowball.  Nothing better.  Except having someone to share all of that with. 

It's those little things I'm going to miss, all the little things that make each moment special and full of life.  Such an emptiness in my soul, and in my "forever"...

                                

Empty.  Just empty. 

Everything is either black or white.
On or off.
Up or down.
Real or not real.
Hot or cold.
Lost or found.

In life, there are no grey areas, you are either living or not. 
Dead or alive.
Happy or unhappy.
On a mountain-top, or in the valley.
You either love someONE, or you don't.
Plain and simple. 

One way or the other.
No grey areas.

My brain is just not understanding the "grey" concept...

My daughter bought me an iPod a couple of years ago, as a birthday or Christmas present, I don't remember which.  I wanted one to listen to when working out or walking on the treadmill.  That's mainly what I used it for, until just recently.  Since I've been having a hard time going to sleep lately, I've been going to bed with it, ear buds in place and all.  I think I need to find smaller ones, though. They're kind of big in my ears, and sometimes fall out, and hurt my ears, just a tad.  I'm getting addicted to listening to the music as I drift off to sleep.  I can't believe it's been so long since I listened to music while nodding off.  I used to do it all the time during my junior high and high school years.

In fact, I listened to music ALL the time.  My first vehicle, a 1969 cream-colored Chevy Chevelle, was lacking a working radio, much to my chagrin.  I acquired a big, old, battery-operated radio, a grandfather to the boom box, I'm sure.  This radio sat in the front seat with me and supplied me with the much needed tunes on my thirteen mile drive into town, on my way to school.  On the way to work, at the hospital, I listened again, and then, of course, on the long road home, after getting off work every night at seven.  I must've spent a fortune on batteries!!!  Who would've EVER dreamed of an iPod back then?  We thought eight-tracks were pretty darn modern and hip.  However, I didn't have an eight-track.  I did have a CB though, which didn't supply music, but, a somewhat primitive, yet fun, means of communication.  I won't tell you what my "handle" was though!

Man, I worked hard for that CB!!  I painted what seemed like miles of welded metal fencing.  I actually sanded, primed, then, painted this fence, for several weeks.  That is in and of itself, a whole different story, which I will have to tell later. 

My, how technology has changed, just in my lifetime.  We have the world at our fingertips, at the click of a button, a mouse, a remote.  We can download hundreds,  or thousands of songs on an itty-bitty thing called an iPod.  Crazy, but amazing.  I've always loved music.  But, now, it's almost unbearable to hear so many of the songs that I especially became fond of, over the last five or six months.  So many of those songs described exactly how I felt.  Now, they only serve to remind me of what I lost.  I can hear the first note of one of those songs and immediately burst into tears.  Man, how I hate that!!

When trying to go to sleep, I try to avoid those songs that pull at my emotions, and instead listen to some very soothing, comforting, Colbie Caillat songs.  My two favorites are "Bubbly" and "Realize".  They still bring back memories, and totally remind me of what I lost, but, I can still listen to them and fall asleep while listening to them over and over and over.  Please listen to both of these songs, especially "Realize"...  They are both on youtube.com....   Listen to them alone, so you can really hear the words and the message...

Tutorial:   How to delete your "favorites"...

1.     Click on "Favorites" on top left-hand corner of computer screen.
2.     Right-click on the "favorite" web-site or page that you want deleted.
3.     Remember to memorize the web-site or page address or URL if you think you might want to
        re-visit it.  VERY IMPORTANT!!!
4.     Another window with several options will open up.  The top option will probably be "OPEN", with
        several more options below that....scroll down until you see the "Delete" option.  Click on that.
5.     Another window will probably pop open asking if your are sure you want to delete this favorite.
        Click "Yes", if you have your favorite sites / web address memorized....

Be sure to read the previous tutorial...."How to delete your history on your computer..."

Tutorial:  How to delete your history on your computer...
                Step-by-Step Instructions

1.     Go to top right-hand corner of computer screen, click on "Tools".
2.     Click on "Explorer Bars"; then, click on "History".
3.     Window on left-hand side of computer screen should pop up. 
4.     Under "View by Date", click on today, or yesterday, or last week, ....whatever you want to delete.
5.     For instance, when you click on "Today", every site you visited today will pop up. 
6.     Right- click on each site you want to delete from your history.  Another option will pop up. It will
        say "Expand" or "Delete".....click on "Delete".
7.     Repeat  #6. on each site you want deleted from your history. 
8.     This does not delete your "favorites"...just your history.
9.     If you want to delete your "favorites", just be sure to memorize your favorite web sites!

Happy trails....

Must paint more snowmen.  Craft show will be here before I know it...only a week and a half to get ready...

It's done, it's over.  It's been a month-long process, but, now, it's really over. I don't like it, but, I have no choice in the matter.   My heart is broken.  Always will be.  Crushed.  I won't ever get over this one.  I just won't.  This one was different.  So many plans.  So many promises.  It hurts throughout each and every cell in my body.  Still so sick at my stomach.  This too shall pass.  A wonderful woman used to always say this when something was going awry.  This too shall pass.  I just don't see it happening anytime soon.  It will take forever and a day for me to get over this. 

The horrible headache, the stomach ache, the broken heart, all too much at once.  More than I can      handle.  But, I have to handle it. I remember when my Mom was dying of cancer.  People would constantly make comments like.."I just don't know how you can handle this; I wouldn't be able to."  WHAT?!?  This statement always made me furious!!!  You don't really have a choice.  You HAVE to handle it, you HAVE to deal with it.  It's not a choice.  When you lose someone, you don't really have a choice, you are just left behind to deal with the loss, the emptiness, the heartbreak, ON YOUR OWN, all by yourself.  There are no choices in the matter.  So, I guess I just need to figure out HOW to handle this.  One moment at a time.  I can't do one hour or even one day at a time.  I'm doing good just to get through each and every moment.  I won't be able to do it without God's help.  That is the only way I'll ever survive each moment, each hour, each day, each month, each lonely, lonely year.  He has always been there for me, even through my darkest hours.  The loss of my beautiful, sweet mother...HE was there.  All of my daughter's heart surgeries...HE was there.  Everything I've ever had to go through...HE was there.  My ONLY salvation, my only hope, always and forever.  God is good.  He knows our heart.  He knows our everything.  He promised He wouldn't give us more than we could handle.  I'm banking on that, because I am there.  I can't handle any more heart break. None.  But, in my heart, I know that God will answer our prayers.  He always does.  <3

Just when I think maybe there is hope....nothing.  Zip.  Empty.  Sick.  WHY?!?!

Here we go again...rollercoaster ride.  I just want this sick stomach to go away.  I want to be happy again. 

That's all.  Just happy. 

Baby Jakob is fine, I am happy to report.  :) 

Even though the railroad tracks are several blocks away from my house, I can hear the train quite clearly at 3:58 a.m., after being awakened by yet another horrible nightmare. I've had two nightmares in less than a week. I don't care to give details or discuss either one of them. Let's just say I woke up screaming and/or crying during both nightmares. I HATE these kinds of dreams!!!


I won't be able to go back to sleep until I know my grandbaby is okay. I called my son at 3:19 a.m., and demanded that he call his wife to make sure the baby was okay. They are in another town, three hours away, visiting her sisters, and her step-mom. I'm sure he thought I was crazy and had officially lost it. I was hysterical, to say the least. He reassured me that the baby was okay, but, I still want a phone call bright and early when they wake up, telling me he is okay. Why, oh, why, on earth, do we have such dreams?? I've not been getting much sleep, then, when I do, this happens. Makes me just not want to sleep now, if I'm going to have these kinds of dreams...

I used to love rollercoasters, but, not so much anymore.  In fact, I loved all of the rides at the carnival and the county fair.  Nowadays, they just make me sick.  I have no desire, whatsoever, to get on one.  Funny how a person can ride one carnival ride after another as a young teenager.  However, there came a day when one ride was enough, in fact, the last ride that made me sick was actually a kiddie ride!  Crazy, huh? 

I feel like I'm on a terminal rollercoaster ride right now, with a never-ending sick stomach.  I'm up one minute, down the next, but, sick most of the time.  I'm ready to get off of this sickening ride.  I'm ready for the drama to be over with, once and for all.  It's just taking way too long for my stomach to settle after this crazy, wild ride.  I feel like that person on the ferris wheel yelling, "STOP!  I want to get off; I'm sick!"  The carnival worker pretends not to hear you,  just looks at you, grins, and never stops, until its TIME for the ride to be over. 

I want this to be a good ride, not a bad ride, that makes me physically ill.  I'm ready to have fun again, to join the living, the smiling, the happy.  Now, if my heart and my stomach would just cooperate, we'd all be okay.  At least, we'd survive this crazy ride called "LIFE".

Okay, today was somewhat easier.  Thank you, Lord.  Still sick at my stomach, but, not crying as much.  Still feeling very lost and empty inside.  I hate being such a whiner.  I hate feeling this way.  Why can't I pull myself out of this?  I will.  It's just going to take awhile.  I am making progress, slowly, but, surely.  I think.

I can listen to the radio on the way to and from work, without having to turn it off when certain (well, almost all) songs come on, then, having to turn it back on because I can't stand the silence.  Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep is the worst though.  However, one can get many things done by getting up when this happens, taking the shower, getting dressed, and still having two or three hours to go before having to go to work!  Losing weight is also another wonderful side effect of a broken heart.  I need to just lose about forty more, then, I'll be fine!

For some reason, I seem to have the hardest time at work.  I don't know why.  I think I did better today, since I left early to go to the doctor.  I only had one class of my students, before I had to leave.  No plan period, no lunch break, so, I was never alone. 

I'll survive, but, I think this one is probably going to be one of the toughest I've ever gone through.  I'm just ready for the sadness, emptiness, and sick stomach to be over.

I'm so ready to quit being sick at my stomach.  When will this end?  When? I need to get busy, so, I can forget. 

Who would've EVER thought we would feel the effects of a  5.1 magnitude earthquake in Oklahoma??  I was sitting at my desk at school, when I felt the whole building shake, and the huge printer sitting next to my desk, actually shook.  I e-mailed several people in my building, my son in Tulsa, friends in Broken Arrow, and Berryhill, and asked if they felt it.  My feller, in McAlester, said they felt it down there!!  Scary, crazy, weird!!!  I'm so glad I don't live in California or other parts of the country/world where they experience the really big ones!!  That was scary enough for me!! 

Okay, I'm getting my happy back.  It's a very guarded happy, but, nonetheless, happy.  The sick stomach is improving, not quite completely gone, but getting better.  This is going to take time, patience, and lots of conversation.  I'm willing to put in the work, because it will be worth it.  It is worth it.

At least I'm no longer in limbo.  I have some direction now.  I'm not as lost as I was this time last week.  Thank you, Lord, for miracles.  Thank you, Lord, for blessings.  I am truly blessed, beyond measure.  It is oh, so much better to know where I'm going now.  I'm not very good at not knowing what direction I'm going.  I have to know the details, the plan, and be ready for what is coming.  Last week I knew nothing of what was coming, when it would all play out, or how to plan.  Everything was up in the air, for an indefinite amount of time.  Not knowing is not my favorite condition to be in.  Wondering when the bottom is  going to drop out is no fun.  In fact, it's downright scary. 

I don't do scary.  I never liked scary movies, scary books, scary anything.  Fear of the unknown equals scary. Then, add to all of that, lonely. Scary plus Lonely equals Sad.  I don't do lonely very well, either.  Even though, ironically, I've always basically been a true loner, in every sense of the word.  Being alone has never really bothered me.  I guess I've been alone much of my life, sometimes even when I'm surrounded by people.   I've never been one to "need" to be with other people.  Don't get me wrong, I do love to be with my children, family, and friends, but, I've never felt compelled to "be" with someone 24/7, until now, that is.  I NEED my alone time.  I crave alone time....normally.  I LOVE being with my kids, family, and friends, but, I still crave a certain amount of alone time.  I just like to be alone to think sometimes, to plan, to organize my thoughts, to write, read, contemplate.  Alone time calms me.  Alone time heals me;  alone time was NOT good last week.  I did not want to be alone at work.  Down time was not good or calming.  Alone was not where I wanted to be last week.  Alone was a very dark, sad, place last week, and excruciatingly quiet.  I'm not liking "alone" time near as much as I used to.  I need "together" time now.  "Together" is the key word for now, and probably from here on out, for me.  I think "together" is my better choice from here on out.  It's a good place for me.  I like it.  Together...I do like it.

What a difference a day makes.  What a difference a week makes.  The emotions have run the gamut this week.  Never have been one to be depressed, sad, and lonely.  Never have been one to worry.  I don't do negative, never has been my strong suite.  I've always been the eternal optimist.  But, not this week.  God said it was a sin to worry, to let Him take care of our worries.  Well, for some reason, I had a really hard time letting go of my worries this week, and didn't quite let God handle them.  Instead, I stewed over them, cried over them, and made myself  literally sick over them.  Why didn't I just give them all to God, like I normally do?  I can't answer that; it remains a mystery to me, as to why I just didn't let HIM handle all my worries this week.  I had some very good friends/cousins/kids praying for me and my "situation", so, why wasn't that good enough for me?  Why did I think it necessary to do the biggest part of the worrying myself?  Did I think it would change anything?  I don't know, it's still a mystery to me.  However, the prayers and support of my loved ones have pulled me through.  I am still sick at my stomach, but, things are way better now.  Some things have been resolved today, others need to be discussed and agreed upon.  I love my friends and family for being there for me and giving me their prayers and undying, protective support and love.  God sent angels to help me through this.  It was hard.  It was heart-breaking.  Now, it is over, for the most part, anyway.  I feel at peace now, and am satisfied with God's answer to prayer.  I have learned some valuable lessons, ones I will not soon forget.  It may take some time for these wounds to heal.  I may be a little guarded.  I may be a little gun shy.  But, for the most part, I think I will get my happy back, soon...

Those baby blues....

Who couldn't fall in love with that grin?

Something about holding a baby, helps heal the soul.  Baby Jakob made me forget, for a few hours this morning, all my sorrows.  Who could be sad with that baby smiling up at you, as you lie in the floor snapping pictures away?  I took almost fifty pictures of him playing in the floor and propped up on a pillow on my bed.  He's such a cute, sweet,  little baby boy!!!  We walked outside, back and forth on the sidewalk, down the driveway, and up and down the porch steps, until I realized he was asleep!  A sweet baby, asleep in my arms....what could be more calming??

Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside, moving through the motions of this so-called life, one step at a time.  Trying so hard to go on, even though I just want to stop where I am, and just go to sleep.  I have many things to do, but, don't want to do any of them.  Yet, I keep my hands busy, doing those things that have to get done.  My mind races, replays, reconfigures, and then, searches for answers.  No answers, anywhere to be found.  I'm lost, wandering in the sandy, dry desert, with no compass, on a cloudy day...

This is not me.  I am the one and only ETERNAL optimist.  The last one.  Where did my optimism go?  I want it back, along with everything that went with it.  I don't like being down.  That's not me.  I hate down.  I like up.  I like heights.  I want that back.  When will I get it back?  I'm trying so hard to get it back.  But, it's just so far, out of reach, unobtainable impossibility.  Obscure.  Elusive. 

Dear Lord, please turn back the clock.  I want that time back.  I want my happy back. 

How do I do this?  How do I move on?  How do I get over it?  How do I function? This is so hard.  I had no idea how hard this could be.  I don't like it.  In fact, I hate it, from the deep, dark depths of my heartbroken soul.  When will this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach go away?  Will it EVER go away?  How long does this horrid process take?  Can't I just buy a remedy to make it all go away?  Why is there not a pill or a magic potion for this?  If I could invent a pill for this, I would  be one wealthy girl. 

Prayer helps.

That's the only thing getting me through right now.  The love and prayers of my family and friends.  What a blessing.  What would I do without them?  Thank you, Lord, for family and friends, that love me unconditionally.  Thank you, Lord, for the lesson I'm learning here.  Why do lessons have to be so hard and SO painful sometimes?  Why do I always have to be so optimistic and trusting of everyone?  And gullible?  I need an anti-trusting/anti-gullible vaccination. 

Why do we laugh inappropriately when we are in distress?  I like to call them Steel Magnolia moments.  Gotta love 'em.  In the midst of being so upset, distraught, depressed,and crying uncontrollably, something happens which turns on uncontrollable laughter.  How does that happen?  Then, it is so embarrassing that it just perpetuates MORE laughter.  What's the deal with that?  I did that today, in the middle of one of my classes.  I wasn't visibly crying, but, I was falling apart on the inside, when one of my students said something very disturbing about death, and I began to laugh uncontrollably.  I know this student was teasing, but, now I'm a little worried.  How could I have done that?  What was wrong with me?

I've done this many times in church settings, at my own mother's funeral, which was horrible.  I was on the front pew, crying of course, when something happened.  I don't even remember what it was,someone dropped something maybe, I don't know, but, it made me laugh.  Then, I couldn't stop.  This is not the only funeral I've done this at.  What a horrible thing to do at a funeral!!  Why on earth do we do this?  Why do we laugh when someone falls on ice?  Why do we laugh when someone stubs their toe?  Why do we laugh at inappropriate times?  Is it a coping mechanism?  Something to research, I guess.  One of life's mysteries...

I remember feeling this way twenty-five years ago.  My mom was dying of cancer.  I moved back home to McAlester, Oklahoma,  from Odessa, Texas, to be with and take care of her.  My mom and I were so close in age that we were almost like sisters.  She was beautiful.  Many people said she looked like Annette Funicello, only more beautiful.  She had dark, brown eyes, and dark brown, curly hair.  She was loved by all who knew her.  I never knew of anyone who didn't like her.  She was good, fair, giving, honest, loving, and very strict on me growing up.  For this, I am eternally grateful to her.  She made me who I am.  She expected nothing less than my best in everything I did.  For such a young mother, she was wise beyond her years. 

When I found out she had cancer, I lost all desire to live, eat, or do anything, but, take care of her.  How could it be fair that such a good and Godly woman be sentenced to die of cancer?  This woman, who exercised, ate healthy foods, lived right, and loved her family, was to be taken way too early, at the age of forty-three.  Not fair, just plain 'ol not fair.  But, God never said life would be fair, I know that, and I respect that, but, I don't have to like it. 

I remember going outside late a night, many nights, in the winter, walking or running down the country road, screaming and crying, at the top of my lungs, as if that would stop her from dying.  I was angry, but, not at God.  Just angry.  And so sick at my stomach at the thought of losing my mom.  Ten months later, she was gone.  Ten months is not enough time to learn all the things you ever wanted to know about your mom.  But, I did learn a lot.  She told me things I never knew during my previous twenty-some years, things that explained everything.  Things that shocked and hurt.  Things that warmed my heart.  Time was short and had to be shared with droves of other people who came to visit.  I often got angry because people were constantly stopping by, preventing her from telling me one more story, or confiding one more secret, or giving/getting one more hug.  But, they loved her too, and I had to share.  Sharing was a big lesson for me, as a child, and as an adult, losing her mom and best friend.  It was one of the first lessons I learned from her, and one of the last.

I remember not wanting to eat, not wanting to watch television, not wanting to read, not wanting to go anywhere, etc. I lost lots of weight, the ONLY good side effect of losing the most important human being in your life.  I just lost all desire to do anything, except be right there with my mom.  I miss her so.  I need her right now.  I feel exactly the same way now.  What a helpless, hopeless feeling.  I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now.  It's not how I'm supposed to function.  I don't do unhappy and depressed.  I hate unhappy and depressed.  However, I'm doing it up good right now.  I have to snap out of it soon.  This is no fun.  I like happy and carefree, not unhappy and depressed.  I will emerge from this muck, just don't know how long it will take.  Not long, I hope...maybe a few years??



My son, Jake, and his son, Jakob...my first grandbaby!! 
Is this not the most perfect, adorable little baby boy ever??
I can't believe he is already over three months old!!
Sweet, sweet, baby!!  Love him so much!



My dad, Ray, on the left, and my Mom(II)'s (Maggie's) brother. 
My dad is an awesome father.  He would do anything for anybody. 
He has spoiled both of my kids over the years, and me!! 
I truly don't know what I would do without him.  He had two
mini strokes this summer, and is doing so well.  I am
so thankful that he still has his speech and no motor skills were affected.
He has always been such a go-getter and hard worker.  He is a
retired lineman and private airplane pilot.  He can work circles
around ANY other male I've ever seen!!!  Still, even after two strokes! 
I thank the good Lord for him everyday.

         

Let go, let God......let go, let God....let go, let God.....I keep reminding myself that today....

Why am I having such a tough time following my own advice today?  Having a lot of concerns, doubts, and worries today.  I'm NOT a worrier.  Never have been.  Why am I doing this today?

Que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be...the future's not ours to see...que sera, sera...My mom used to sing that little song to me a long time ago.  I took it to heart.  I've always believed it.  Therefore, I rarely worry.  I've always believed that God has a plan, and He will take care of everything.  It is a sin to worry.  I truly believe that.  Yet, today, I am worried, confused, and hate that I'm not letting go, and just letting God take care of everything.  I'm sorry, God.  By the way, God,  please tell my mom I said hello and I miss her terribly.  I know she would also be telling me...."let her go, she'll be fine".  But, I still worry about her. 

Whatever will be, will be...

That pretty much applies to everything in my life right now.....whatever will be, will be....if it's meant to be, it will be so.  I choose to think that great things are in store, no matter how grim I feel right at this moment.  I know God has a purpose for every valley we go through...we don't have to like it, but, we do have to figure out how to get to the other side and navigate ourselves out of the valley, with God's help and guidance, of course

Eighth day into the new school year....one word....exhausted!!!  I've stayed up way too late every night the last week and a half, no, make that the last month and a half!!  Summer vacation!!  Stay up late, sleep in just a WEE bit....pay for it later.   So, let's sum this up.  Eight days down; ONLY one hundred seventy-two to go!  It'll fly by, right?  Wrong!!  It's the summers that fly by, NOT the school year!!  However, after six days with the students, I think mine are finally ready to settle in and get on with the business of learning.  Ha!!!  Who am I kidding?!?  Nah, they've actually been fairly good, with only one or two slight exceptions.  I'm enjoying getting to know my new students.  I think I'm going to love my three completely new classes of students!  I also have some repeats from last year, whom I also love, of course.  They are eighth graders, so, there's a bit an of attitude there.  It may take a while longer to get the eighth graders back on the straight and narrow. 

Loving the cooler weather that the much welcomed showers brought yesterday.  I'm ready for every day to feel like this.  I can handle sixty-eight degree mornings and eighty-two degree evenings.  Ahhhh....reminds me of fall.  I'm SO ready to feel the cooler fall air and to watch the leaves turn to various shades of yellow, red, and orange.   I need to take a road trip through the southeastern portion of Oklahoma, around the Talimena Drive, to see the turning of the leaves in progress. That's something I've ALWAYS wanted to do, but have never done, yet, have lived in southeastern Oklahoma most of my life.  Ah...another item for my bucket list, no less.

Opening up her favorite graduation gift...her favorite show steer, which is now a rug or bedspread throw!

              This is, er...WAS her favorite steer...."Howdy Duty"!!!

                              A few decorations at her Graduation party...

                                           Move in day, at the dorm...

Ready to hit the books!!!