I remember feeling this way twenty-five years ago.  My mom was dying of cancer.  I moved back home to McAlester, Oklahoma,  from Odessa, Texas, to be with and take care of her.  My mom and I were so close in age that we were almost like sisters.  She was beautiful.  Many people said she looked like Annette Funicello, only more beautiful.  She had dark, brown eyes, and dark brown, curly hair.  She was loved by all who knew her.  I never knew of anyone who didn't like her.  She was good, fair, giving, honest, loving, and very strict on me growing up.  For this, I am eternally grateful to her.  She made me who I am.  She expected nothing less than my best in everything I did.  For such a young mother, she was wise beyond her years. 

When I found out she had cancer, I lost all desire to live, eat, or do anything, but, take care of her.  How could it be fair that such a good and Godly woman be sentenced to die of cancer?  This woman, who exercised, ate healthy foods, lived right, and loved her family, was to be taken way too early, at the age of forty-three.  Not fair, just plain 'ol not fair.  But, God never said life would be fair, I know that, and I respect that, but, I don't have to like it. 

I remember going outside late a night, many nights, in the winter, walking or running down the country road, screaming and crying, at the top of my lungs, as if that would stop her from dying.  I was angry, but, not at God.  Just angry.  And so sick at my stomach at the thought of losing my mom.  Ten months later, she was gone.  Ten months is not enough time to learn all the things you ever wanted to know about your mom.  But, I did learn a lot.  She told me things I never knew during my previous twenty-some years, things that explained everything.  Things that shocked and hurt.  Things that warmed my heart.  Time was short and had to be shared with droves of other people who came to visit.  I often got angry because people were constantly stopping by, preventing her from telling me one more story, or confiding one more secret, or giving/getting one more hug.  But, they loved her too, and I had to share.  Sharing was a big lesson for me, as a child, and as an adult, losing her mom and best friend.  It was one of the first lessons I learned from her, and one of the last.

I remember not wanting to eat, not wanting to watch television, not wanting to read, not wanting to go anywhere, etc. I lost lots of weight, the ONLY good side effect of losing the most important human being in your life.  I just lost all desire to do anything, except be right there with my mom.  I miss her so.  I need her right now.  I feel exactly the same way now.  What a helpless, hopeless feeling.  I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now.  It's not how I'm supposed to function.  I don't do unhappy and depressed.  I hate unhappy and depressed.  However, I'm doing it up good right now.  I have to snap out of it soon.  This is no fun.  I like happy and carefree, not unhappy and depressed.  I will emerge from this muck, just don't know how long it will take.  Not long, I hope...maybe a few years??