Great!  I just thought it was bad on Sunday.  It gets even better on Monday!!  A DOUBLE WHAMMY!!  Thanks, that's just what I needed....ALL at once!!!  I have no clue what to do now.  I don't want to do anything.  I'm done.  I'm just done.  I have no life, no goals, no dreams, no anything.  They're all gone.   Just empty.  Completely and totally empty.  Okay, okay, I'm having a royal pity party.  I'll get over it, eventually.  I hope.  After two months of non-stop tears, I thought I had no more to spill.  Wrong, again. 

I miss you mom.  I'm just so ready to go home.  I'm just exhausted, tired, sleepy, and just plain done. 

Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I'll get better each day.  I hope so, anyway, but, just can't image getting better or being happy, at this point.   Must go to bed now, so tired, so sleepy.  Sleep was short last night, maybe I'll sleep tonight? 

Dear Lord,

Please give me the strength to carry on.  This is getting really hard.  Life keeps throwing me curve balls.  I seem to keep getting hit right in the stomach with them.  Why is it the harder I try to help a certain someone, the less she seems to appreciate all that she's been given?  Then, she turns around and asks for more, more, more.  I can do nothing right in her eyes, Lord.  Please forgive me for whining and complaining.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like a train wreck.  I hate conflict.  I hate feeling like a failure.  Please give her direction. Please give me direction.  Please help her to see her many blessings.  Please help her to appreciate them, as well.  Please help me to let go, if that's what I need to do.  That's the hardest part...letting them grow up, when it's time.  Wanting to protect them and knowing when to let them fall is a very thin, yet fuzzy line. 

And, Lord, please heal and restore my dad's health.  I miss him.  I'm losing him.  I don't know what I'll do without him.  This is breaking my heart.  Please restore his memory.  Please comfort his heart.  Your mom and dad are the two people in your life who love you unconditionally and forever.  They are always there for you, no matter what.  I've already lost one.  I can't bear to lose the other.  I know he's had a long and wonderful life, Lord, but, I still need my daddy.  Please.

And then, there's that other matter.  I need another miracle, Lord.  You know my heart.  That's all I need to say. 

These three requests are a lot to ask, I know.  However, I know that through You, all things ARE possible.  I have loved you since I was a small child, Lord, and always will.  I don't know how people make it through one day without You.  I'm trusting in You, Lord.  I know that your plan is perfect.  I love you with all my heart.  In Jesus name, I pray.

Your child,
Lee

"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in love even when not feeling it. I believe in God even when He is silent."   - Anonymous

I love quotes, and just happened to come across this one today.  I love this.  What a wonderful quote to illustrate the idea of FAITH.  I have faith in God, His promises, His wisdom, His knowledge.  I have faith that He knows the plan for my life.  Why can't I just be patient and wait for it to unfold?  No, Lord, I'm not asking You to teach me patience.  I just don't like being in constant limbo.  Not knowing what to do.  Not knowing where I'll be or what I'll be doing this time next year, or this time in five years.  I just want to know one thing,... just one thing, Lord.  Please show me what to do.  Please calm my heart and soul.  Please give me peace.  This is so hard.  I thought I could do the solo thing.  In fact, I did a pretty good job doing the solo thing, for about ten years.  But, now, I know, I'm not so good at it, after all.  I don't do lonely too well. 

Yeah, tomorrow is Friday, finally!!!!  Blue jean day!!  Hoping this headache is gone by then...

Looking forward to a couple of days off, finishing two more days of school, then, a five day break!!!  Can't wait!!  R & R, here I come....

Ugh....workshops....I hate sitting still all day.  I would much rather be in my classroom.  Only one more workshop day tomorrow....

Three blue jean days...yeah!  Two workshop days and Friday.  Then, only two days next week!  Can't wait!!!  So, next Tuesday will be my Friday, another blue jean day!!! 

Must make deer jerky, asap!!!  Need to make a goodie basket for Morgy.  I'll make her some peanut butter cookies, as well, and buy her a big jar of her favorite pickles.  Maybe that will cheer her up.  It's so hard to see one of your kiddos unhappy.  Breaks my heart.

Another Monday done.  A rainy Monday.  A busy Monday.  A very lonely Monday.  Thank goodness for busy days, which don't allow me to dwell on the unknown, the indecision of others, and the limbo state.  Snap out of this!  This is not me.  Get busy;  stay busy. Don't dwell on the sadness.  Focus on the positive.  Focus on the hope.  Focus on the many blessings you have.  It will all work out.  That's what I am told anyway.  I'm believing it.  I do want it to work out.  I'm praying it all works out.

I'm trying to stay positive.  I've ALWAYS been positive.  Why am I having such a hard time doing that now?  October and November.  Maybe that's why, among other traumatic events recently occuring during these two months...  October and November have always been hard for me, at least for the last twenty-five years, it has been the most difficult time of the year for me.  That, Mother's Day, and June 18th, my Mom's birthday.  October 9th, my brother's birthday.  November 3rd, the day I lost my Mom.  November 4th, the day she was buried.  The most horrible and longest day of my life.  I miss them both horribly, year around, but, especially during October and November.  I need you, Mom.  I miss you so, so badly.  I miss you and love you too, little brother. 

Okay, now I'm confused again.  This is just crazy.  Why can't this just be easy?  Sure wish the "easy button" really worked, in real life.  Why can't life just lay out all the answers in black and white?  Grrrrrrr.....

On another note....what is the deal with my truck?  I'm seriously thinking we weren't meant to be.  Let's see now...how many incidents have we been involved in?   Here's my list of the things that I can remember:

1.      Windshield broken by county truck debris....replaced by county, thank goodness. (not my fault)
2.      Windshield broken by rock thrown up by oncoming semi....window replaced via insurance. (not my
           fault)
3.      Right front headlight busted out by deer who ran into my right front tire & left a piece of his skull &
          a tuft of his hair between my rim and tire...headlight replaced by insurance. (not my fault)
4.      Left front fender wheel scrape/scratched, backing out of Sonic.  (totally my fault)
5.      Radiator busted and front bashed in by giant buck hit broadside, repaired w/help of insurance.
           (not my fault, it was the deer's fault, seriously!)
6.      Back fender, tail-gate bashed in, rear-ended by teenage boy, on my way to school. (not my fault)
7.      One more I don't really care to discuss, at this time...(also, totally my fault...) and this should really be
            # 5; #5 should be #6; and #6 should be #7....totally confused?  Me too...

Okay, two my fault, five NOT my fault.  Not bad, considering this truck is actually six years old.  That's an average of just a little over one incident per year, right?  Poor 'ol girl, she's had a rough six years...I promise to TRY to protect you from further incidents, 'ol Blue.  You know, seven IS my lucky number....maybe, just maybe, this will be my last incident.

Each day gets better.  Each day brings more hope.  It's amazing how open lines of communication can improve quality of life.  In just a few short days, things have improved greatly.  Things are much better.  It's easier to talk, like we use to.  I want that closeness back.  I want the conversations to return.  I want the fun to return.  I want the laughter to return.  I want to erase the last five weeks forever.  If I had a giant eraser, I would do just that.  But, that's not how life works, is it?  I keep trying to push it to the far corners of my mind. 

Baby steps.  That's what it's going to take.  Slow and easy.  Lots of patience, lots of prayer. 

Feeling much, much better now.  Stomach was better today.  Thank you, Lord.  Praying that things continue to improve.  Finally, some much needed peace.  Honesty, conversation, and eye contact was the much needed medicine my heart and soul needed, and I feel like I received some honest answers this weekend.  Thank you, and I love you.  It is in God's hands now.  I am trusting Him.  If it is meant to be, it will be.  I hope and pray with all my heart that it is meant to be.

Had a wonderful weekend.  The craft show, not so profitable per se, but, got to visit with some very sweet old classmates, friends, and cousins.  Met a very nice, generous little lady, who had the sweetest spirit.  Talked to her for a long time at the craft fair, then, again, later on the phone.  God sends little angels every now and then to brighten your day.  I needed her sweet spirit that day, she warmed my heart.  The day was hard, in many ways, bittersweet.  Lots of soul searching, tears, laughter, warmth, fear, and many other emotions.  The last five weeks have been a basketful of emotions.  Much mourning, anticipation, fear, sadness, heartbreak, and finally, some hope.  Hope is what I'm living on right now.  Hope and prayers.  Many, many prayers. 

For the last nine years I thought I was content, happy, satisfied.  I guess I was to a certain extent, for the most part.  However, when one experiences pure happiness, like never before, all of a sudden, for several months, then, it is yanked out from underneath your heart and soul, there's an unspeakable emptiness and loss.  Not something I'd recommend for just anyone.  Not fun.  Never before, except for watching my mother die of cancer, have I been so unhappy, dejected, and lost.  Lost and alone.  Two very ugly words.  A hard pill to swallow.  I now understand how it truly feels to be all alone.  I don't want to go there again.  I want to be happy.