Okay, today was somewhat easier.  Thank you, Lord.  Still sick at my stomach, but, not crying as much.  Still feeling very lost and empty inside.  I hate being such a whiner.  I hate feeling this way.  Why can't I pull myself out of this?  I will.  It's just going to take awhile.  I am making progress, slowly, but, surely.  I think.

I can listen to the radio on the way to and from work, without having to turn it off when certain (well, almost all) songs come on, then, having to turn it back on because I can't stand the silence.  Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep is the worst though.  However, one can get many things done by getting up when this happens, taking the shower, getting dressed, and still having two or three hours to go before having to go to work!  Losing weight is also another wonderful side effect of a broken heart.  I need to just lose about forty more, then, I'll be fine!

For some reason, I seem to have the hardest time at work.  I don't know why.  I think I did better today, since I left early to go to the doctor.  I only had one class of my students, before I had to leave.  No plan period, no lunch break, so, I was never alone. 

I'll survive, but, I think this one is probably going to be one of the toughest I've ever gone through.  I'm just ready for the sadness, emptiness, and sick stomach to be over.

I'm so ready to quit being sick at my stomach.  When will this end?  When? I need to get busy, so, I can forget. 

Who would've EVER thought we would feel the effects of a  5.1 magnitude earthquake in Oklahoma??  I was sitting at my desk at school, when I felt the whole building shake, and the huge printer sitting next to my desk, actually shook.  I e-mailed several people in my building, my son in Tulsa, friends in Broken Arrow, and Berryhill, and asked if they felt it.  My feller, in McAlester, said they felt it down there!!  Scary, crazy, weird!!!  I'm so glad I don't live in California or other parts of the country/world where they experience the really big ones!!  That was scary enough for me!! 

Okay, I'm getting my happy back.  It's a very guarded happy, but, nonetheless, happy.  The sick stomach is improving, not quite completely gone, but getting better.  This is going to take time, patience, and lots of conversation.  I'm willing to put in the work, because it will be worth it.  It is worth it.

At least I'm no longer in limbo.  I have some direction now.  I'm not as lost as I was this time last week.  Thank you, Lord, for miracles.  Thank you, Lord, for blessings.  I am truly blessed, beyond measure.  It is oh, so much better to know where I'm going now.  I'm not very good at not knowing what direction I'm going.  I have to know the details, the plan, and be ready for what is coming.  Last week I knew nothing of what was coming, when it would all play out, or how to plan.  Everything was up in the air, for an indefinite amount of time.  Not knowing is not my favorite condition to be in.  Wondering when the bottom is  going to drop out is no fun.  In fact, it's downright scary. 

I don't do scary.  I never liked scary movies, scary books, scary anything.  Fear of the unknown equals scary. Then, add to all of that, lonely. Scary plus Lonely equals Sad.  I don't do lonely very well, either.  Even though, ironically, I've always basically been a true loner, in every sense of the word.  Being alone has never really bothered me.  I guess I've been alone much of my life, sometimes even when I'm surrounded by people.   I've never been one to "need" to be with other people.  Don't get me wrong, I do love to be with my children, family, and friends, but, I've never felt compelled to "be" with someone 24/7, until now, that is.  I NEED my alone time.  I crave alone time....normally.  I LOVE being with my kids, family, and friends, but, I still crave a certain amount of alone time.  I just like to be alone to think sometimes, to plan, to organize my thoughts, to write, read, contemplate.  Alone time calms me.  Alone time heals me;  alone time was NOT good last week.  I did not want to be alone at work.  Down time was not good or calming.  Alone was not where I wanted to be last week.  Alone was a very dark, sad, place last week, and excruciatingly quiet.  I'm not liking "alone" time near as much as I used to.  I need "together" time now.  "Together" is the key word for now, and probably from here on out, for me.  I think "together" is my better choice from here on out.  It's a good place for me.  I like it.  Together...I do like it.

What a difference a day makes.  What a difference a week makes.  The emotions have run the gamut this week.  Never have been one to be depressed, sad, and lonely.  Never have been one to worry.  I don't do negative, never has been my strong suite.  I've always been the eternal optimist.  But, not this week.  God said it was a sin to worry, to let Him take care of our worries.  Well, for some reason, I had a really hard time letting go of my worries this week, and didn't quite let God handle them.  Instead, I stewed over them, cried over them, and made myself  literally sick over them.  Why didn't I just give them all to God, like I normally do?  I can't answer that; it remains a mystery to me, as to why I just didn't let HIM handle all my worries this week.  I had some very good friends/cousins/kids praying for me and my "situation", so, why wasn't that good enough for me?  Why did I think it necessary to do the biggest part of the worrying myself?  Did I think it would change anything?  I don't know, it's still a mystery to me.  However, the prayers and support of my loved ones have pulled me through.  I am still sick at my stomach, but, things are way better now.  Some things have been resolved today, others need to be discussed and agreed upon.  I love my friends and family for being there for me and giving me their prayers and undying, protective support and love.  God sent angels to help me through this.  It was hard.  It was heart-breaking.  Now, it is over, for the most part, anyway.  I feel at peace now, and am satisfied with God's answer to prayer.  I have learned some valuable lessons, ones I will not soon forget.  It may take some time for these wounds to heal.  I may be a little guarded.  I may be a little gun shy.  But, for the most part, I think I will get my happy back, soon...

Those baby blues....

Who couldn't fall in love with that grin?

Something about holding a baby, helps heal the soul.  Baby Jakob made me forget, for a few hours this morning, all my sorrows.  Who could be sad with that baby smiling up at you, as you lie in the floor snapping pictures away?  I took almost fifty pictures of him playing in the floor and propped up on a pillow on my bed.  He's such a cute, sweet,  little baby boy!!!  We walked outside, back and forth on the sidewalk, down the driveway, and up and down the porch steps, until I realized he was asleep!  A sweet baby, asleep in my arms....what could be more calming??

Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside, moving through the motions of this so-called life, one step at a time.  Trying so hard to go on, even though I just want to stop where I am, and just go to sleep.  I have many things to do, but, don't want to do any of them.  Yet, I keep my hands busy, doing those things that have to get done.  My mind races, replays, reconfigures, and then, searches for answers.  No answers, anywhere to be found.  I'm lost, wandering in the sandy, dry desert, with no compass, on a cloudy day...

This is not me.  I am the one and only ETERNAL optimist.  The last one.  Where did my optimism go?  I want it back, along with everything that went with it.  I don't like being down.  That's not me.  I hate down.  I like up.  I like heights.  I want that back.  When will I get it back?  I'm trying so hard to get it back.  But, it's just so far, out of reach, unobtainable impossibility.  Obscure.  Elusive. 

Dear Lord, please turn back the clock.  I want that time back.  I want my happy back. 

How do I do this?  How do I move on?  How do I get over it?  How do I function? This is so hard.  I had no idea how hard this could be.  I don't like it.  In fact, I hate it, from the deep, dark depths of my heartbroken soul.  When will this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach go away?  Will it EVER go away?  How long does this horrid process take?  Can't I just buy a remedy to make it all go away?  Why is there not a pill or a magic potion for this?  If I could invent a pill for this, I would  be one wealthy girl. 

Prayer helps.

That's the only thing getting me through right now.  The love and prayers of my family and friends.  What a blessing.  What would I do without them?  Thank you, Lord, for family and friends, that love me unconditionally.  Thank you, Lord, for the lesson I'm learning here.  Why do lessons have to be so hard and SO painful sometimes?  Why do I always have to be so optimistic and trusting of everyone?  And gullible?  I need an anti-trusting/anti-gullible vaccination. 

Why do we laugh inappropriately when we are in distress?  I like to call them Steel Magnolia moments.  Gotta love 'em.  In the midst of being so upset, distraught, depressed,and crying uncontrollably, something happens which turns on uncontrollable laughter.  How does that happen?  Then, it is so embarrassing that it just perpetuates MORE laughter.  What's the deal with that?  I did that today, in the middle of one of my classes.  I wasn't visibly crying, but, I was falling apart on the inside, when one of my students said something very disturbing about death, and I began to laugh uncontrollably.  I know this student was teasing, but, now I'm a little worried.  How could I have done that?  What was wrong with me?

I've done this many times in church settings, at my own mother's funeral, which was horrible.  I was on the front pew, crying of course, when something happened.  I don't even remember what it was,someone dropped something maybe, I don't know, but, it made me laugh.  Then, I couldn't stop.  This is not the only funeral I've done this at.  What a horrible thing to do at a funeral!!  Why on earth do we do this?  Why do we laugh when someone falls on ice?  Why do we laugh when someone stubs their toe?  Why do we laugh at inappropriate times?  Is it a coping mechanism?  Something to research, I guess.  One of life's mysteries...

I remember feeling this way twenty-five years ago.  My mom was dying of cancer.  I moved back home to McAlester, Oklahoma,  from Odessa, Texas, to be with and take care of her.  My mom and I were so close in age that we were almost like sisters.  She was beautiful.  Many people said she looked like Annette Funicello, only more beautiful.  She had dark, brown eyes, and dark brown, curly hair.  She was loved by all who knew her.  I never knew of anyone who didn't like her.  She was good, fair, giving, honest, loving, and very strict on me growing up.  For this, I am eternally grateful to her.  She made me who I am.  She expected nothing less than my best in everything I did.  For such a young mother, she was wise beyond her years. 

When I found out she had cancer, I lost all desire to live, eat, or do anything, but, take care of her.  How could it be fair that such a good and Godly woman be sentenced to die of cancer?  This woman, who exercised, ate healthy foods, lived right, and loved her family, was to be taken way too early, at the age of forty-three.  Not fair, just plain 'ol not fair.  But, God never said life would be fair, I know that, and I respect that, but, I don't have to like it. 

I remember going outside late a night, many nights, in the winter, walking or running down the country road, screaming and crying, at the top of my lungs, as if that would stop her from dying.  I was angry, but, not at God.  Just angry.  And so sick at my stomach at the thought of losing my mom.  Ten months later, she was gone.  Ten months is not enough time to learn all the things you ever wanted to know about your mom.  But, I did learn a lot.  She told me things I never knew during my previous twenty-some years, things that explained everything.  Things that shocked and hurt.  Things that warmed my heart.  Time was short and had to be shared with droves of other people who came to visit.  I often got angry because people were constantly stopping by, preventing her from telling me one more story, or confiding one more secret, or giving/getting one more hug.  But, they loved her too, and I had to share.  Sharing was a big lesson for me, as a child, and as an adult, losing her mom and best friend.  It was one of the first lessons I learned from her, and one of the last.

I remember not wanting to eat, not wanting to watch television, not wanting to read, not wanting to go anywhere, etc. I lost lots of weight, the ONLY good side effect of losing the most important human being in your life.  I just lost all desire to do anything, except be right there with my mom.  I miss her so.  I need her right now.  I feel exactly the same way now.  What a helpless, hopeless feeling.  I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now.  It's not how I'm supposed to function.  I don't do unhappy and depressed.  I hate unhappy and depressed.  However, I'm doing it up good right now.  I have to snap out of it soon.  This is no fun.  I like happy and carefree, not unhappy and depressed.  I will emerge from this muck, just don't know how long it will take.  Not long, I hope...maybe a few years??