Those baby blues....

Who couldn't fall in love with that grin?

Something about holding a baby, helps heal the soul.  Baby Jakob made me forget, for a few hours this morning, all my sorrows.  Who could be sad with that baby smiling up at you, as you lie in the floor snapping pictures away?  I took almost fifty pictures of him playing in the floor and propped up on a pillow on my bed.  He's such a cute, sweet,  little baby boy!!!  We walked outside, back and forth on the sidewalk, down the driveway, and up and down the porch steps, until I realized he was asleep!  A sweet baby, asleep in my arms....what could be more calming??

Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside, moving through the motions of this so-called life, one step at a time.  Trying so hard to go on, even though I just want to stop where I am, and just go to sleep.  I have many things to do, but, don't want to do any of them.  Yet, I keep my hands busy, doing those things that have to get done.  My mind races, replays, reconfigures, and then, searches for answers.  No answers, anywhere to be found.  I'm lost, wandering in the sandy, dry desert, with no compass, on a cloudy day...

This is not me.  I am the one and only ETERNAL optimist.  The last one.  Where did my optimism go?  I want it back, along with everything that went with it.  I don't like being down.  That's not me.  I hate down.  I like up.  I like heights.  I want that back.  When will I get it back?  I'm trying so hard to get it back.  But, it's just so far, out of reach, unobtainable impossibility.  Obscure.  Elusive. 

Dear Lord, please turn back the clock.  I want that time back.  I want my happy back. 

How do I do this?  How do I move on?  How do I get over it?  How do I function? This is so hard.  I had no idea how hard this could be.  I don't like it.  In fact, I hate it, from the deep, dark depths of my heartbroken soul.  When will this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach go away?  Will it EVER go away?  How long does this horrid process take?  Can't I just buy a remedy to make it all go away?  Why is there not a pill or a magic potion for this?  If I could invent a pill for this, I would  be one wealthy girl. 

Prayer helps.

That's the only thing getting me through right now.  The love and prayers of my family and friends.  What a blessing.  What would I do without them?  Thank you, Lord, for family and friends, that love me unconditionally.  Thank you, Lord, for the lesson I'm learning here.  Why do lessons have to be so hard and SO painful sometimes?  Why do I always have to be so optimistic and trusting of everyone?  And gullible?  I need an anti-trusting/anti-gullible vaccination. 

Why do we laugh inappropriately when we are in distress?  I like to call them Steel Magnolia moments.  Gotta love 'em.  In the midst of being so upset, distraught, depressed,and crying uncontrollably, something happens which turns on uncontrollable laughter.  How does that happen?  Then, it is so embarrassing that it just perpetuates MORE laughter.  What's the deal with that?  I did that today, in the middle of one of my classes.  I wasn't visibly crying, but, I was falling apart on the inside, when one of my students said something very disturbing about death, and I began to laugh uncontrollably.  I know this student was teasing, but, now I'm a little worried.  How could I have done that?  What was wrong with me?

I've done this many times in church settings, at my own mother's funeral, which was horrible.  I was on the front pew, crying of course, when something happened.  I don't even remember what it was,someone dropped something maybe, I don't know, but, it made me laugh.  Then, I couldn't stop.  This is not the only funeral I've done this at.  What a horrible thing to do at a funeral!!  Why on earth do we do this?  Why do we laugh when someone falls on ice?  Why do we laugh when someone stubs their toe?  Why do we laugh at inappropriate times?  Is it a coping mechanism?  Something to research, I guess.  One of life's mysteries...

I remember feeling this way twenty-five years ago.  My mom was dying of cancer.  I moved back home to McAlester, Oklahoma,  from Odessa, Texas, to be with and take care of her.  My mom and I were so close in age that we were almost like sisters.  She was beautiful.  Many people said she looked like Annette Funicello, only more beautiful.  She had dark, brown eyes, and dark brown, curly hair.  She was loved by all who knew her.  I never knew of anyone who didn't like her.  She was good, fair, giving, honest, loving, and very strict on me growing up.  For this, I am eternally grateful to her.  She made me who I am.  She expected nothing less than my best in everything I did.  For such a young mother, she was wise beyond her years. 

When I found out she had cancer, I lost all desire to live, eat, or do anything, but, take care of her.  How could it be fair that such a good and Godly woman be sentenced to die of cancer?  This woman, who exercised, ate healthy foods, lived right, and loved her family, was to be taken way too early, at the age of forty-three.  Not fair, just plain 'ol not fair.  But, God never said life would be fair, I know that, and I respect that, but, I don't have to like it. 

I remember going outside late a night, many nights, in the winter, walking or running down the country road, screaming and crying, at the top of my lungs, as if that would stop her from dying.  I was angry, but, not at God.  Just angry.  And so sick at my stomach at the thought of losing my mom.  Ten months later, she was gone.  Ten months is not enough time to learn all the things you ever wanted to know about your mom.  But, I did learn a lot.  She told me things I never knew during my previous twenty-some years, things that explained everything.  Things that shocked and hurt.  Things that warmed my heart.  Time was short and had to be shared with droves of other people who came to visit.  I often got angry because people were constantly stopping by, preventing her from telling me one more story, or confiding one more secret, or giving/getting one more hug.  But, they loved her too, and I had to share.  Sharing was a big lesson for me, as a child, and as an adult, losing her mom and best friend.  It was one of the first lessons I learned from her, and one of the last.

I remember not wanting to eat, not wanting to watch television, not wanting to read, not wanting to go anywhere, etc. I lost lots of weight, the ONLY good side effect of losing the most important human being in your life.  I just lost all desire to do anything, except be right there with my mom.  I miss her so.  I need her right now.  I feel exactly the same way now.  What a helpless, hopeless feeling.  I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now.  It's not how I'm supposed to function.  I don't do unhappy and depressed.  I hate unhappy and depressed.  However, I'm doing it up good right now.  I have to snap out of it soon.  This is no fun.  I like happy and carefree, not unhappy and depressed.  I will emerge from this muck, just don't know how long it will take.  Not long, I hope...maybe a few years??



My son, Jake, and his son, Jakob...my first grandbaby!! 
Is this not the most perfect, adorable little baby boy ever??
I can't believe he is already over three months old!!
Sweet, sweet, baby!!  Love him so much!



My dad, Ray, on the left, and my Mom(II)'s (Maggie's) brother. 
My dad is an awesome father.  He would do anything for anybody. 
He has spoiled both of my kids over the years, and me!! 
I truly don't know what I would do without him.  He had two
mini strokes this summer, and is doing so well.  I am
so thankful that he still has his speech and no motor skills were affected.
He has always been such a go-getter and hard worker.  He is a
retired lineman and private airplane pilot.  He can work circles
around ANY other male I've ever seen!!!  Still, even after two strokes! 
I thank the good Lord for him everyday.

         

Let go, let God......let go, let God....let go, let God.....I keep reminding myself that today....

Why am I having such a tough time following my own advice today?  Having a lot of concerns, doubts, and worries today.  I'm NOT a worrier.  Never have been.  Why am I doing this today?

Que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be...the future's not ours to see...que sera, sera...My mom used to sing that little song to me a long time ago.  I took it to heart.  I've always believed it.  Therefore, I rarely worry.  I've always believed that God has a plan, and He will take care of everything.  It is a sin to worry.  I truly believe that.  Yet, today, I am worried, confused, and hate that I'm not letting go, and just letting God take care of everything.  I'm sorry, God.  By the way, God,  please tell my mom I said hello and I miss her terribly.  I know she would also be telling me...."let her go, she'll be fine".  But, I still worry about her. 

Whatever will be, will be...

That pretty much applies to everything in my life right now.....whatever will be, will be....if it's meant to be, it will be so.  I choose to think that great things are in store, no matter how grim I feel right at this moment.  I know God has a purpose for every valley we go through...we don't have to like it, but, we do have to figure out how to get to the other side and navigate ourselves out of the valley, with God's help and guidance, of course

Eighth day into the new school year....one word....exhausted!!!  I've stayed up way too late every night the last week and a half, no, make that the last month and a half!!  Summer vacation!!  Stay up late, sleep in just a WEE bit....pay for it later.   So, let's sum this up.  Eight days down; ONLY one hundred seventy-two to go!  It'll fly by, right?  Wrong!!  It's the summers that fly by, NOT the school year!!  However, after six days with the students, I think mine are finally ready to settle in and get on with the business of learning.  Ha!!!  Who am I kidding?!?  Nah, they've actually been fairly good, with only one or two slight exceptions.  I'm enjoying getting to know my new students.  I think I'm going to love my three completely new classes of students!  I also have some repeats from last year, whom I also love, of course.  They are eighth graders, so, there's a bit an of attitude there.  It may take a while longer to get the eighth graders back on the straight and narrow. 

Loving the cooler weather that the much welcomed showers brought yesterday.  I'm ready for every day to feel like this.  I can handle sixty-eight degree mornings and eighty-two degree evenings.  Ahhhh....reminds me of fall.  I'm SO ready to feel the cooler fall air and to watch the leaves turn to various shades of yellow, red, and orange.   I need to take a road trip through the southeastern portion of Oklahoma, around the Talimena Drive, to see the turning of the leaves in progress. That's something I've ALWAYS wanted to do, but have never done, yet, have lived in southeastern Oklahoma most of my life.  Ah...another item for my bucket list, no less.

Opening up her favorite graduation gift...her favorite show steer, which is now a rug or bedspread throw!

              This is, er...WAS her favorite steer...."Howdy Duty"!!!

                              A few decorations at her Graduation party...

                                           Move in day, at the dorm...

Ready to hit the books!!!