It's cold.  I'm cold.  Inside and out.  It's 42 degrees outside, already.  Cold front coming in. Supposed to freeze tonight.  The first freeze.  I can't wait for a snow day.  I want to hibernate.  I want to sleep for three or four days straight.  Maybe then, I will feel better.  Maybe my heart will heal.  No.  It won't.  It's beyond repair.  Only one thing will fix what's broken.  I'm waiting.  Patiently.  You're lucky, really lucky.  Patience is my one and only virtue.  I have been told I have the patience of Job.  We will see. 

I love snow.  I love snow days.  I love snow men.  Some of my favorite sayings are about snowmen...

                    "Some of my best friends are flakes."
 
                    "Snowmen make the best men." 

                    "Snowmen melt my heart."  

                    "Snowflakes are kisses sent from heaven."

Every year, about this time, I start watching for snow clouds and praying for snow.  Did I say I LOVE snow, and snow days?  Something about being "stuck" in the house with my family, sipping hot cocoa, making cookies, putting on a pot of stew or homemade chicken noodle soup, chili, whatever sounds good at the moment....cuddling up on the couch watching old movies, reading a book, playing a board game, making a snowman, throwing a snowball.  Nothing better.  Except having someone to share all of that with. 

It's those little things I'm going to miss, all the little things that make each moment special and full of life.  Such an emptiness in my soul, and in my "forever"...

                                

Empty.  Just empty. 

Everything is either black or white.
On or off.
Up or down.
Real or not real.
Hot or cold.
Lost or found.

In life, there are no grey areas, you are either living or not. 
Dead or alive.
Happy or unhappy.
On a mountain-top, or in the valley.
You either love someONE, or you don't.
Plain and simple. 

One way or the other.
No grey areas.

My brain is just not understanding the "grey" concept...

My daughter bought me an iPod a couple of years ago, as a birthday or Christmas present, I don't remember which.  I wanted one to listen to when working out or walking on the treadmill.  That's mainly what I used it for, until just recently.  Since I've been having a hard time going to sleep lately, I've been going to bed with it, ear buds in place and all.  I think I need to find smaller ones, though. They're kind of big in my ears, and sometimes fall out, and hurt my ears, just a tad.  I'm getting addicted to listening to the music as I drift off to sleep.  I can't believe it's been so long since I listened to music while nodding off.  I used to do it all the time during my junior high and high school years.

In fact, I listened to music ALL the time.  My first vehicle, a 1969 cream-colored Chevy Chevelle, was lacking a working radio, much to my chagrin.  I acquired a big, old, battery-operated radio, a grandfather to the boom box, I'm sure.  This radio sat in the front seat with me and supplied me with the much needed tunes on my thirteen mile drive into town, on my way to school.  On the way to work, at the hospital, I listened again, and then, of course, on the long road home, after getting off work every night at seven.  I must've spent a fortune on batteries!!!  Who would've EVER dreamed of an iPod back then?  We thought eight-tracks were pretty darn modern and hip.  However, I didn't have an eight-track.  I did have a CB though, which didn't supply music, but, a somewhat primitive, yet fun, means of communication.  I won't tell you what my "handle" was though!

Man, I worked hard for that CB!!  I painted what seemed like miles of welded metal fencing.  I actually sanded, primed, then, painted this fence, for several weeks.  That is in and of itself, a whole different story, which I will have to tell later. 

My, how technology has changed, just in my lifetime.  We have the world at our fingertips, at the click of a button, a mouse, a remote.  We can download hundreds,  or thousands of songs on an itty-bitty thing called an iPod.  Crazy, but amazing.  I've always loved music.  But, now, it's almost unbearable to hear so many of the songs that I especially became fond of, over the last five or six months.  So many of those songs described exactly how I felt.  Now, they only serve to remind me of what I lost.  I can hear the first note of one of those songs and immediately burst into tears.  Man, how I hate that!!

When trying to go to sleep, I try to avoid those songs that pull at my emotions, and instead listen to some very soothing, comforting, Colbie Caillat songs.  My two favorites are "Bubbly" and "Realize".  They still bring back memories, and totally remind me of what I lost, but, I can still listen to them and fall asleep while listening to them over and over and over.  Please listen to both of these songs, especially "Realize"...  They are both on youtube.com....   Listen to them alone, so you can really hear the words and the message...

Tutorial:   How to delete your "favorites"...

1.     Click on "Favorites" on top left-hand corner of computer screen.
2.     Right-click on the "favorite" web-site or page that you want deleted.
3.     Remember to memorize the web-site or page address or URL if you think you might want to
        re-visit it.  VERY IMPORTANT!!!
4.     Another window with several options will open up.  The top option will probably be "OPEN", with
        several more options below that....scroll down until you see the "Delete" option.  Click on that.
5.     Another window will probably pop open asking if your are sure you want to delete this favorite.
        Click "Yes", if you have your favorite sites / web address memorized....

Be sure to read the previous tutorial...."How to delete your history on your computer..."

Tutorial:  How to delete your history on your computer...
                Step-by-Step Instructions

1.     Go to top right-hand corner of computer screen, click on "Tools".
2.     Click on "Explorer Bars"; then, click on "History".
3.     Window on left-hand side of computer screen should pop up. 
4.     Under "View by Date", click on today, or yesterday, or last week, ....whatever you want to delete.
5.     For instance, when you click on "Today", every site you visited today will pop up. 
6.     Right- click on each site you want to delete from your history.  Another option will pop up. It will
        say "Expand" or "Delete".....click on "Delete".
7.     Repeat  #6. on each site you want deleted from your history. 
8.     This does not delete your "favorites"...just your history.
9.     If you want to delete your "favorites", just be sure to memorize your favorite web sites!

Happy trails....

Must paint more snowmen.  Craft show will be here before I know it...only a week and a half to get ready...

It's done, it's over.  It's been a month-long process, but, now, it's really over. I don't like it, but, I have no choice in the matter.   My heart is broken.  Always will be.  Crushed.  I won't ever get over this one.  I just won't.  This one was different.  So many plans.  So many promises.  It hurts throughout each and every cell in my body.  Still so sick at my stomach.  This too shall pass.  A wonderful woman used to always say this when something was going awry.  This too shall pass.  I just don't see it happening anytime soon.  It will take forever and a day for me to get over this. 

The horrible headache, the stomach ache, the broken heart, all too much at once.  More than I can      handle.  But, I have to handle it. I remember when my Mom was dying of cancer.  People would constantly make comments like.."I just don't know how you can handle this; I wouldn't be able to."  WHAT?!?  This statement always made me furious!!!  You don't really have a choice.  You HAVE to handle it, you HAVE to deal with it.  It's not a choice.  When you lose someone, you don't really have a choice, you are just left behind to deal with the loss, the emptiness, the heartbreak, ON YOUR OWN, all by yourself.  There are no choices in the matter.  So, I guess I just need to figure out HOW to handle this.  One moment at a time.  I can't do one hour or even one day at a time.  I'm doing good just to get through each and every moment.  I won't be able to do it without God's help.  That is the only way I'll ever survive each moment, each hour, each day, each month, each lonely, lonely year.  He has always been there for me, even through my darkest hours.  The loss of my beautiful, sweet mother...HE was there.  All of my daughter's heart surgeries...HE was there.  Everything I've ever had to go through...HE was there.  My ONLY salvation, my only hope, always and forever.  God is good.  He knows our heart.  He knows our everything.  He promised He wouldn't give us more than we could handle.  I'm banking on that, because I am there.  I can't handle any more heart break. None.  But, in my heart, I know that God will answer our prayers.  He always does.  <3

Just when I think maybe there is hope....nothing.  Zip.  Empty.  Sick.  WHY?!?!

Here we go again...rollercoaster ride.  I just want this sick stomach to go away.  I want to be happy again. 

That's all.  Just happy. 

Baby Jakob is fine, I am happy to report.  :) 

Even though the railroad tracks are several blocks away from my house, I can hear the train quite clearly at 3:58 a.m., after being awakened by yet another horrible nightmare. I've had two nightmares in less than a week. I don't care to give details or discuss either one of them. Let's just say I woke up screaming and/or crying during both nightmares. I HATE these kinds of dreams!!!


I won't be able to go back to sleep until I know my grandbaby is okay. I called my son at 3:19 a.m., and demanded that he call his wife to make sure the baby was okay. They are in another town, three hours away, visiting her sisters, and her step-mom. I'm sure he thought I was crazy and had officially lost it. I was hysterical, to say the least. He reassured me that the baby was okay, but, I still want a phone call bright and early when they wake up, telling me he is okay. Why, oh, why, on earth, do we have such dreams?? I've not been getting much sleep, then, when I do, this happens. Makes me just not want to sleep now, if I'm going to have these kinds of dreams...

I used to love rollercoasters, but, not so much anymore.  In fact, I loved all of the rides at the carnival and the county fair.  Nowadays, they just make me sick.  I have no desire, whatsoever, to get on one.  Funny how a person can ride one carnival ride after another as a young teenager.  However, there came a day when one ride was enough, in fact, the last ride that made me sick was actually a kiddie ride!  Crazy, huh? 

I feel like I'm on a terminal rollercoaster ride right now, with a never-ending sick stomach.  I'm up one minute, down the next, but, sick most of the time.  I'm ready to get off of this sickening ride.  I'm ready for the drama to be over with, once and for all.  It's just taking way too long for my stomach to settle after this crazy, wild ride.  I feel like that person on the ferris wheel yelling, "STOP!  I want to get off; I'm sick!"  The carnival worker pretends not to hear you,  just looks at you, grins, and never stops, until its TIME for the ride to be over. 

I want this to be a good ride, not a bad ride, that makes me physically ill.  I'm ready to have fun again, to join the living, the smiling, the happy.  Now, if my heart and my stomach would just cooperate, we'd all be okay.  At least, we'd survive this crazy ride called "LIFE".

Okay, today was somewhat easier.  Thank you, Lord.  Still sick at my stomach, but, not crying as much.  Still feeling very lost and empty inside.  I hate being such a whiner.  I hate feeling this way.  Why can't I pull myself out of this?  I will.  It's just going to take awhile.  I am making progress, slowly, but, surely.  I think.

I can listen to the radio on the way to and from work, without having to turn it off when certain (well, almost all) songs come on, then, having to turn it back on because I can't stand the silence.  Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep is the worst though.  However, one can get many things done by getting up when this happens, taking the shower, getting dressed, and still having two or three hours to go before having to go to work!  Losing weight is also another wonderful side effect of a broken heart.  I need to just lose about forty more, then, I'll be fine!

For some reason, I seem to have the hardest time at work.  I don't know why.  I think I did better today, since I left early to go to the doctor.  I only had one class of my students, before I had to leave.  No plan period, no lunch break, so, I was never alone. 

I'll survive, but, I think this one is probably going to be one of the toughest I've ever gone through.  I'm just ready for the sadness, emptiness, and sick stomach to be over.

I'm so ready to quit being sick at my stomach.  When will this end?  When? I need to get busy, so, I can forget. 

Who would've EVER thought we would feel the effects of a  5.1 magnitude earthquake in Oklahoma??  I was sitting at my desk at school, when I felt the whole building shake, and the huge printer sitting next to my desk, actually shook.  I e-mailed several people in my building, my son in Tulsa, friends in Broken Arrow, and Berryhill, and asked if they felt it.  My feller, in McAlester, said they felt it down there!!  Scary, crazy, weird!!!  I'm so glad I don't live in California or other parts of the country/world where they experience the really big ones!!  That was scary enough for me!! 

Okay, I'm getting my happy back.  It's a very guarded happy, but, nonetheless, happy.  The sick stomach is improving, not quite completely gone, but getting better.  This is going to take time, patience, and lots of conversation.  I'm willing to put in the work, because it will be worth it.  It is worth it.

At least I'm no longer in limbo.  I have some direction now.  I'm not as lost as I was this time last week.  Thank you, Lord, for miracles.  Thank you, Lord, for blessings.  I am truly blessed, beyond measure.  It is oh, so much better to know where I'm going now.  I'm not very good at not knowing what direction I'm going.  I have to know the details, the plan, and be ready for what is coming.  Last week I knew nothing of what was coming, when it would all play out, or how to plan.  Everything was up in the air, for an indefinite amount of time.  Not knowing is not my favorite condition to be in.  Wondering when the bottom is  going to drop out is no fun.  In fact, it's downright scary. 

I don't do scary.  I never liked scary movies, scary books, scary anything.  Fear of the unknown equals scary. Then, add to all of that, lonely. Scary plus Lonely equals Sad.  I don't do lonely very well, either.  Even though, ironically, I've always basically been a true loner, in every sense of the word.  Being alone has never really bothered me.  I guess I've been alone much of my life, sometimes even when I'm surrounded by people.   I've never been one to "need" to be with other people.  Don't get me wrong, I do love to be with my children, family, and friends, but, I've never felt compelled to "be" with someone 24/7, until now, that is.  I NEED my alone time.  I crave alone time....normally.  I LOVE being with my kids, family, and friends, but, I still crave a certain amount of alone time.  I just like to be alone to think sometimes, to plan, to organize my thoughts, to write, read, contemplate.  Alone time calms me.  Alone time heals me;  alone time was NOT good last week.  I did not want to be alone at work.  Down time was not good or calming.  Alone was not where I wanted to be last week.  Alone was a very dark, sad, place last week, and excruciatingly quiet.  I'm not liking "alone" time near as much as I used to.  I need "together" time now.  "Together" is the key word for now, and probably from here on out, for me.  I think "together" is my better choice from here on out.  It's a good place for me.  I like it.  Together...I do like it.

What a difference a day makes.  What a difference a week makes.  The emotions have run the gamut this week.  Never have been one to be depressed, sad, and lonely.  Never have been one to worry.  I don't do negative, never has been my strong suite.  I've always been the eternal optimist.  But, not this week.  God said it was a sin to worry, to let Him take care of our worries.  Well, for some reason, I had a really hard time letting go of my worries this week, and didn't quite let God handle them.  Instead, I stewed over them, cried over them, and made myself  literally sick over them.  Why didn't I just give them all to God, like I normally do?  I can't answer that; it remains a mystery to me, as to why I just didn't let HIM handle all my worries this week.  I had some very good friends/cousins/kids praying for me and my "situation", so, why wasn't that good enough for me?  Why did I think it necessary to do the biggest part of the worrying myself?  Did I think it would change anything?  I don't know, it's still a mystery to me.  However, the prayers and support of my loved ones have pulled me through.  I am still sick at my stomach, but, things are way better now.  Some things have been resolved today, others need to be discussed and agreed upon.  I love my friends and family for being there for me and giving me their prayers and undying, protective support and love.  God sent angels to help me through this.  It was hard.  It was heart-breaking.  Now, it is over, for the most part, anyway.  I feel at peace now, and am satisfied with God's answer to prayer.  I have learned some valuable lessons, ones I will not soon forget.  It may take some time for these wounds to heal.  I may be a little guarded.  I may be a little gun shy.  But, for the most part, I think I will get my happy back, soon...

Those baby blues....

Who couldn't fall in love with that grin?

Something about holding a baby, helps heal the soul.  Baby Jakob made me forget, for a few hours this morning, all my sorrows.  Who could be sad with that baby smiling up at you, as you lie in the floor snapping pictures away?  I took almost fifty pictures of him playing in the floor and propped up on a pillow on my bed.  He's such a cute, sweet,  little baby boy!!!  We walked outside, back and forth on the sidewalk, down the driveway, and up and down the porch steps, until I realized he was asleep!  A sweet baby, asleep in my arms....what could be more calming??

Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside, moving through the motions of this so-called life, one step at a time.  Trying so hard to go on, even though I just want to stop where I am, and just go to sleep.  I have many things to do, but, don't want to do any of them.  Yet, I keep my hands busy, doing those things that have to get done.  My mind races, replays, reconfigures, and then, searches for answers.  No answers, anywhere to be found.  I'm lost, wandering in the sandy, dry desert, with no compass, on a cloudy day...

This is not me.  I am the one and only ETERNAL optimist.  The last one.  Where did my optimism go?  I want it back, along with everything that went with it.  I don't like being down.  That's not me.  I hate down.  I like up.  I like heights.  I want that back.  When will I get it back?  I'm trying so hard to get it back.  But, it's just so far, out of reach, unobtainable impossibility.  Obscure.  Elusive. 

Dear Lord, please turn back the clock.  I want that time back.  I want my happy back. 

How do I do this?  How do I move on?  How do I get over it?  How do I function? This is so hard.  I had no idea how hard this could be.  I don't like it.  In fact, I hate it, from the deep, dark depths of my heartbroken soul.  When will this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach go away?  Will it EVER go away?  How long does this horrid process take?  Can't I just buy a remedy to make it all go away?  Why is there not a pill or a magic potion for this?  If I could invent a pill for this, I would  be one wealthy girl. 

Prayer helps.

That's the only thing getting me through right now.  The love and prayers of my family and friends.  What a blessing.  What would I do without them?  Thank you, Lord, for family and friends, that love me unconditionally.  Thank you, Lord, for the lesson I'm learning here.  Why do lessons have to be so hard and SO painful sometimes?  Why do I always have to be so optimistic and trusting of everyone?  And gullible?  I need an anti-trusting/anti-gullible vaccination. 

Why do we laugh inappropriately when we are in distress?  I like to call them Steel Magnolia moments.  Gotta love 'em.  In the midst of being so upset, distraught, depressed,and crying uncontrollably, something happens which turns on uncontrollable laughter.  How does that happen?  Then, it is so embarrassing that it just perpetuates MORE laughter.  What's the deal with that?  I did that today, in the middle of one of my classes.  I wasn't visibly crying, but, I was falling apart on the inside, when one of my students said something very disturbing about death, and I began to laugh uncontrollably.  I know this student was teasing, but, now I'm a little worried.  How could I have done that?  What was wrong with me?

I've done this many times in church settings, at my own mother's funeral, which was horrible.  I was on the front pew, crying of course, when something happened.  I don't even remember what it was,someone dropped something maybe, I don't know, but, it made me laugh.  Then, I couldn't stop.  This is not the only funeral I've done this at.  What a horrible thing to do at a funeral!!  Why on earth do we do this?  Why do we laugh when someone falls on ice?  Why do we laugh when someone stubs their toe?  Why do we laugh at inappropriate times?  Is it a coping mechanism?  Something to research, I guess.  One of life's mysteries...

I remember feeling this way twenty-five years ago.  My mom was dying of cancer.  I moved back home to McAlester, Oklahoma,  from Odessa, Texas, to be with and take care of her.  My mom and I were so close in age that we were almost like sisters.  She was beautiful.  Many people said she looked like Annette Funicello, only more beautiful.  She had dark, brown eyes, and dark brown, curly hair.  She was loved by all who knew her.  I never knew of anyone who didn't like her.  She was good, fair, giving, honest, loving, and very strict on me growing up.  For this, I am eternally grateful to her.  She made me who I am.  She expected nothing less than my best in everything I did.  For such a young mother, she was wise beyond her years. 

When I found out she had cancer, I lost all desire to live, eat, or do anything, but, take care of her.  How could it be fair that such a good and Godly woman be sentenced to die of cancer?  This woman, who exercised, ate healthy foods, lived right, and loved her family, was to be taken way too early, at the age of forty-three.  Not fair, just plain 'ol not fair.  But, God never said life would be fair, I know that, and I respect that, but, I don't have to like it. 

I remember going outside late a night, many nights, in the winter, walking or running down the country road, screaming and crying, at the top of my lungs, as if that would stop her from dying.  I was angry, but, not at God.  Just angry.  And so sick at my stomach at the thought of losing my mom.  Ten months later, she was gone.  Ten months is not enough time to learn all the things you ever wanted to know about your mom.  But, I did learn a lot.  She told me things I never knew during my previous twenty-some years, things that explained everything.  Things that shocked and hurt.  Things that warmed my heart.  Time was short and had to be shared with droves of other people who came to visit.  I often got angry because people were constantly stopping by, preventing her from telling me one more story, or confiding one more secret, or giving/getting one more hug.  But, they loved her too, and I had to share.  Sharing was a big lesson for me, as a child, and as an adult, losing her mom and best friend.  It was one of the first lessons I learned from her, and one of the last.

I remember not wanting to eat, not wanting to watch television, not wanting to read, not wanting to go anywhere, etc. I lost lots of weight, the ONLY good side effect of losing the most important human being in your life.  I just lost all desire to do anything, except be right there with my mom.  I miss her so.  I need her right now.  I feel exactly the same way now.  What a helpless, hopeless feeling.  I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now.  It's not how I'm supposed to function.  I don't do unhappy and depressed.  I hate unhappy and depressed.  However, I'm doing it up good right now.  I have to snap out of it soon.  This is no fun.  I like happy and carefree, not unhappy and depressed.  I will emerge from this muck, just don't know how long it will take.  Not long, I hope...maybe a few years??