I stayed with my dad again last night, while my step-mom went to the local football game to watch her grandson play.  He got up about 7:45 p.m. and sat in the livingroom with me.  I found some programs about Alaska on the television, and he seemed to enjoy them.  He always loved talking about his visits to Alaska and Canada, in the past.  This is the first time I've seen him really watch the t.v., since he's been sick.  He tried to talk about it several times, but, the words didn't always come out just right.  One time, I think he did try to say, he'd like to do try what they were doing(on t.v.).  We were watching a program about men and women who dive under the ice in Alaska, and look for gold.  Pretty interesting.  Every now and then, a phrase or a whole sentence would come out completely perfect.  One of those sentences went like this: 

Dad:  "You look like a couple of people I know."
Me:  "I'm your daughter, Linda Lee."

What I WISH I'd said:  "Who do I look like?"  or "Who are the people that I look like?"

What I'm thinking is that he thinks I look like my mom and me.  At least that's what I'm telling myself.   My mom has been gone for twenty-six years this coming November.  I SO want to ask my dad if he'll tell her I love her and miss her, if he gets to Heaven before I do.  Is that terrible??  Is that crazy??  A lot of people tell me that I look like my mom.  I don't see it.  She was beautiful; she had dark eyes, dark brown hair, small, petite, very classic, Annette Funicello look-alike.  Beautiful.  I've always had blonde hair (that is slowly, but, surely, getting darker), blue eyes, fair skin.  I've always thought I look like my dad, who always had blonde hair, blue eyes, as well. 

He also asked me where I lived.  I told him I live here, across town from him.  He said, "Oh, that's good."  There's been a few times when he did remember me, that he thought I still lived down by McAlester, which is about three hours away.  He wanted to know if I had any trouble finding my way up here.  I told him, "No, I found it okay, no problems." 

I have a million other questions I wish I would've asked before now.  Why didn't I?  Why?  I'll never know now. 

So many things I wish I had done, said, or asked of both of my parents.  So many things I would like to have known and written down.  Gone.  Forever.  A piece of wisdom.  A recipe.  One more story about my childhood, her childhood, his childhood.  Oh, we talked about these things, just not near enough.  I would love to have known more.  Why didn't I write everything down?  Oh, the things we take for granted.  Time.  We take time for granted.  It is gone before you know it.   

Loving this weather. Almost fall, but, also feels like early spring. The best of both worlds. I love sweater weather. The only thing better is a couple of snow days, spent snuggled up in my favorite sweats and a cup of hot cocoa or better yet, some yummy cappaccino, watching an old movie or reading a good book!!! Why is it that a 70 or 80 degree day can make one feel so healthy, happy, and alive? Just breathing in that crisp, fresh air makes me feel better, no matter what else is going on in my busy, crazy life.

I was able to see Jakob last night and this afternoon again!! He brought me a couple of pieces of chocolate cake last night...my favorite! I still have one piece left; may have to eat it here in a bit. :) I had a doctor's appointment today, (I have an ooey-ouchy) so I swung by their house and played with him for a few minutes. I didn't stay long as it was almost time for his nap. I think my doctor ordered chocolate cake, medicine, and sleep, so tootle-loo!! :)

What a day! It was definitely a Monday. A crazy Monday. Ready for fall break. That's all. Just ready for a break already.

Little Mr. Jakob. Man, how I love this little guy. My first and only grandbaby, so far. He makes my heart just melt, every time I see him. I got to see him both yesterday and today! We went to church together this morning. He's such a good, sweet, loving little boy. How I miss him living right next door to me. He's grown so much in the few short months, since they moved thirty miles away. I wish I could see him every day.

Okay, it's a new day. Chin up, get busy, and get something accomplished today. My list is long, and it's already 9:00 a.m. Time is wasting. Second day of a three day weekend, already here. I plan to get as much as possible done today, and enjoy my third day of this weekend relaxing, reading, and sipping on some sweet iced tea and eating a chunk of watermelon. Let's see if that happens!! :)

Three day weekend. Bittersweet. I love that I have three days off. I have so much to do. So little time to get everything done. But, I feel so isolated and all by myself. I usually thrive when I'm alone. But, not anymore. It's too hard. I don't want to be alone anymore. So many things I need to do around the house. So many things breaking or falling apart and I don't know how to fix them. My daddy used to help me with those little things, and even the big things. Now my daddy doesn't even know who I am most of the time. Sometimes, he does, but most of the time, he doesn't. That's a hard pill to swallow. When he looks at me and says, "Now, who are you?" I say, "Linda Lee, ....your daughter." Then, I hug him, tell him I love him, and fight away the tears with everything I have. Then, on the short drive home, I always cry.

I spent the evening with my dad last night. He sat up for quite awhile in the livingroom with me. He would look at me every now and then and just smile. He seems to be happy and pain-free. Thank you, Lord. Some days we understand what he says; some days we don't. Last night, he would look at me, smile, then, ask, "Are you doing okay?" He asked me this two or three times. He often repeats statements or questions, because he's forgotten that's he's already asked. I understand this and it doesn't bother me one bit. However, last night, it got to me when he asked me. I fought back the tears, because I'm okay, it's my dad that is sick. Even while sick and not knowing what he's said earlier, he still worries about me. Broke my heart. What I wouldn't give for him to be well again.

Just completed my first full week at school. Whew! I got home late almost every night, sometimes 8:30 or 9:30 at night. I'm ready for the weekend break. I plan to clean house, sleep, clean house, sleep, then, sleep some more. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. It looks like this may prove to be a make or break year. With four out of seven of our special education teachers leaving this summer (a major stressor), we are in for quite a challenge. Two of the teachers that left were the special education supervisors in our building. Now, my friend and I are attempting to do all of the paperwork that they were responsible for, plus, our OWN paperwork, then, TRY to find time to squeeze in some "TEACHING"!!! Ha! That will be quite the miracle to pull off.

I've found the old saying, "Life is what happens when you're making plans", to be quite true.

Ahhh....life. You do like to give us a challenge, or two, or three, or more,...all at once don't ya, God? I love that You think I can handle all of this. You have much more confidence in me than I ever have. I know, I know...it builds character, it makes us stronger, it makes us appreciate You more, it makes us grow closer to You, and much more. I need that and want that, but, have mercy, I'm just about done. I just keep thinking of the part in the Bible that says You won't give us more than we can handle. I'm there, Lord. I really am. I just don't think I can handle any more problems, and I know and understand I'm not SUPPOSED to handle them. I'm supposed to give them all to you. Well, Lord, I'm giving them ALL to you. I can't do it on my own. I don't know what I'd do without You, Lord. Thanks for Your help. Love you, Lord, even when times are hard, even when I want to give up, even when every cell in my heart and body hurts, and I feel like I'm all alone on this big ball You created in only seven days.... I still love YOU, and thank you for the many blessings you've given me. This must be my latest, most recent, ever changing, valley. My very deep, dark, lonely, dry, and desolate valley. I can't do this by myself. I'm Yours, Lord. Please hear my cry and know my heart. I surrender.

Why does life have to be so hard at times? Why? I'm ready for some easy days.

Praying for friends that live in and around Mannford and Drumright. Praying they get some of the wonderful rain that we are getting right this moment. Wonderful rain. I walked outside and just stood in the rain for a few minutes. It is still thundering like crazy, but, such a sweet, gentle rain. I hope it stays and covers the state with abundant, life-giving water. What a precious commodity, that we often take for granted. Thank you, Lord, for the rain. I pray it puts out all the fires in our state, and saturates the ground, restores our water table, and brings renewed life to crops, hay meadows, and our soil.

Praying for families in Oklahoma who are in the path of the wildfires. Very sad situation. Dear Lord, please send rain, lots of rain, for the whole state. Please take care of and watch over the families that have lost their homes, the firefighters, first responders, Red Cross volunteers, etc.