Another Monday done.  A rainy Monday.  A busy Monday.  A very lonely Monday.  Thank goodness for busy days, which don't allow me to dwell on the unknown, the indecision of others, and the limbo state.  Snap out of this!  This is not me.  Get busy;  stay busy. Don't dwell on the sadness.  Focus on the positive.  Focus on the hope.  Focus on the many blessings you have.  It will all work out.  That's what I am told anyway.  I'm believing it.  I do want it to work out.  I'm praying it all works out.

I'm trying to stay positive.  I've ALWAYS been positive.  Why am I having such a hard time doing that now?  October and November.  Maybe that's why, among other traumatic events recently occuring during these two months...  October and November have always been hard for me, at least for the last twenty-five years, it has been the most difficult time of the year for me.  That, Mother's Day, and June 18th, my Mom's birthday.  October 9th, my brother's birthday.  November 3rd, the day I lost my Mom.  November 4th, the day she was buried.  The most horrible and longest day of my life.  I miss them both horribly, year around, but, especially during October and November.  I need you, Mom.  I miss you so, so badly.  I miss you and love you too, little brother. 

Okay, now I'm confused again.  This is just crazy.  Why can't this just be easy?  Sure wish the "easy button" really worked, in real life.  Why can't life just lay out all the answers in black and white?  Grrrrrrr.....

On another note....what is the deal with my truck?  I'm seriously thinking we weren't meant to be.  Let's see now...how many incidents have we been involved in?   Here's my list of the things that I can remember:

1.      Windshield broken by county truck debris....replaced by county, thank goodness. (not my fault)
2.      Windshield broken by rock thrown up by oncoming semi....window replaced via insurance. (not my
           fault)
3.      Right front headlight busted out by deer who ran into my right front tire & left a piece of his skull &
          a tuft of his hair between my rim and tire...headlight replaced by insurance. (not my fault)
4.      Left front fender wheel scrape/scratched, backing out of Sonic.  (totally my fault)
5.      Radiator busted and front bashed in by giant buck hit broadside, repaired w/help of insurance.
           (not my fault, it was the deer's fault, seriously!)
6.      Back fender, tail-gate bashed in, rear-ended by teenage boy, on my way to school. (not my fault)
7.      One more I don't really care to discuss, at this time...(also, totally my fault...) and this should really be
            # 5; #5 should be #6; and #6 should be #7....totally confused?  Me too...

Okay, two my fault, five NOT my fault.  Not bad, considering this truck is actually six years old.  That's an average of just a little over one incident per year, right?  Poor 'ol girl, she's had a rough six years...I promise to TRY to protect you from further incidents, 'ol Blue.  You know, seven IS my lucky number....maybe, just maybe, this will be my last incident.

Each day gets better.  Each day brings more hope.  It's amazing how open lines of communication can improve quality of life.  In just a few short days, things have improved greatly.  Things are much better.  It's easier to talk, like we use to.  I want that closeness back.  I want the conversations to return.  I want the fun to return.  I want the laughter to return.  I want to erase the last five weeks forever.  If I had a giant eraser, I would do just that.  But, that's not how life works, is it?  I keep trying to push it to the far corners of my mind. 

Baby steps.  That's what it's going to take.  Slow and easy.  Lots of patience, lots of prayer. 

Feeling much, much better now.  Stomach was better today.  Thank you, Lord.  Praying that things continue to improve.  Finally, some much needed peace.  Honesty, conversation, and eye contact was the much needed medicine my heart and soul needed, and I feel like I received some honest answers this weekend.  Thank you, and I love you.  It is in God's hands now.  I am trusting Him.  If it is meant to be, it will be.  I hope and pray with all my heart that it is meant to be.

Had a wonderful weekend.  The craft show, not so profitable per se, but, got to visit with some very sweet old classmates, friends, and cousins.  Met a very nice, generous little lady, who had the sweetest spirit.  Talked to her for a long time at the craft fair, then, again, later on the phone.  God sends little angels every now and then to brighten your day.  I needed her sweet spirit that day, she warmed my heart.  The day was hard, in many ways, bittersweet.  Lots of soul searching, tears, laughter, warmth, fear, and many other emotions.  The last five weeks have been a basketful of emotions.  Much mourning, anticipation, fear, sadness, heartbreak, and finally, some hope.  Hope is what I'm living on right now.  Hope and prayers.  Many, many prayers. 

For the last nine years I thought I was content, happy, satisfied.  I guess I was to a certain extent, for the most part.  However, when one experiences pure happiness, like never before, all of a sudden, for several months, then, it is yanked out from underneath your heart and soul, there's an unspeakable emptiness and loss.  Not something I'd recommend for just anyone.  Not fun.  Never before, except for watching my mother die of cancer, have I been so unhappy, dejected, and lost.  Lost and alone.  Two very ugly words.  A hard pill to swallow.  I now understand how it truly feels to be all alone.  I don't want to go there again.  I want to be happy.

It's cold.  I'm cold.  Inside and out.  It's 42 degrees outside, already.  Cold front coming in. Supposed to freeze tonight.  The first freeze.  I can't wait for a snow day.  I want to hibernate.  I want to sleep for three or four days straight.  Maybe then, I will feel better.  Maybe my heart will heal.  No.  It won't.  It's beyond repair.  Only one thing will fix what's broken.  I'm waiting.  Patiently.  You're lucky, really lucky.  Patience is my one and only virtue.  I have been told I have the patience of Job.  We will see. 

I love snow.  I love snow days.  I love snow men.  Some of my favorite sayings are about snowmen...

                    "Some of my best friends are flakes."
 
                    "Snowmen make the best men." 

                    "Snowmen melt my heart."  

                    "Snowflakes are kisses sent from heaven."

Every year, about this time, I start watching for snow clouds and praying for snow.  Did I say I LOVE snow, and snow days?  Something about being "stuck" in the house with my family, sipping hot cocoa, making cookies, putting on a pot of stew or homemade chicken noodle soup, chili, whatever sounds good at the moment....cuddling up on the couch watching old movies, reading a book, playing a board game, making a snowman, throwing a snowball.  Nothing better.  Except having someone to share all of that with. 

It's those little things I'm going to miss, all the little things that make each moment special and full of life.  Such an emptiness in my soul, and in my "forever"...

                                

Empty.  Just empty. 

Everything is either black or white.
On or off.
Up or down.
Real or not real.
Hot or cold.
Lost or found.

In life, there are no grey areas, you are either living or not. 
Dead or alive.
Happy or unhappy.
On a mountain-top, or in the valley.
You either love someONE, or you don't.
Plain and simple. 

One way or the other.
No grey areas.

My brain is just not understanding the "grey" concept...

My daughter bought me an iPod a couple of years ago, as a birthday or Christmas present, I don't remember which.  I wanted one to listen to when working out or walking on the treadmill.  That's mainly what I used it for, until just recently.  Since I've been having a hard time going to sleep lately, I've been going to bed with it, ear buds in place and all.  I think I need to find smaller ones, though. They're kind of big in my ears, and sometimes fall out, and hurt my ears, just a tad.  I'm getting addicted to listening to the music as I drift off to sleep.  I can't believe it's been so long since I listened to music while nodding off.  I used to do it all the time during my junior high and high school years.

In fact, I listened to music ALL the time.  My first vehicle, a 1969 cream-colored Chevy Chevelle, was lacking a working radio, much to my chagrin.  I acquired a big, old, battery-operated radio, a grandfather to the boom box, I'm sure.  This radio sat in the front seat with me and supplied me with the much needed tunes on my thirteen mile drive into town, on my way to school.  On the way to work, at the hospital, I listened again, and then, of course, on the long road home, after getting off work every night at seven.  I must've spent a fortune on batteries!!!  Who would've EVER dreamed of an iPod back then?  We thought eight-tracks were pretty darn modern and hip.  However, I didn't have an eight-track.  I did have a CB though, which didn't supply music, but, a somewhat primitive, yet fun, means of communication.  I won't tell you what my "handle" was though!

Man, I worked hard for that CB!!  I painted what seemed like miles of welded metal fencing.  I actually sanded, primed, then, painted this fence, for several weeks.  That is in and of itself, a whole different story, which I will have to tell later. 

My, how technology has changed, just in my lifetime.  We have the world at our fingertips, at the click of a button, a mouse, a remote.  We can download hundreds,  or thousands of songs on an itty-bitty thing called an iPod.  Crazy, but amazing.  I've always loved music.  But, now, it's almost unbearable to hear so many of the songs that I especially became fond of, over the last five or six months.  So many of those songs described exactly how I felt.  Now, they only serve to remind me of what I lost.  I can hear the first note of one of those songs and immediately burst into tears.  Man, how I hate that!!

When trying to go to sleep, I try to avoid those songs that pull at my emotions, and instead listen to some very soothing, comforting, Colbie Caillat songs.  My two favorites are "Bubbly" and "Realize".  They still bring back memories, and totally remind me of what I lost, but, I can still listen to them and fall asleep while listening to them over and over and over.  Please listen to both of these songs, especially "Realize"...  They are both on youtube.com....   Listen to them alone, so you can really hear the words and the message...

Tutorial:   How to delete your "favorites"...

1.     Click on "Favorites" on top left-hand corner of computer screen.
2.     Right-click on the "favorite" web-site or page that you want deleted.
3.     Remember to memorize the web-site or page address or URL if you think you might want to
        re-visit it.  VERY IMPORTANT!!!
4.     Another window with several options will open up.  The top option will probably be "OPEN", with
        several more options below that....scroll down until you see the "Delete" option.  Click on that.
5.     Another window will probably pop open asking if your are sure you want to delete this favorite.
        Click "Yes", if you have your favorite sites / web address memorized....

Be sure to read the previous tutorial...."How to delete your history on your computer..."

Tutorial:  How to delete your history on your computer...
                Step-by-Step Instructions

1.     Go to top right-hand corner of computer screen, click on "Tools".
2.     Click on "Explorer Bars"; then, click on "History".
3.     Window on left-hand side of computer screen should pop up. 
4.     Under "View by Date", click on today, or yesterday, or last week, ....whatever you want to delete.
5.     For instance, when you click on "Today", every site you visited today will pop up. 
6.     Right- click on each site you want to delete from your history.  Another option will pop up. It will
        say "Expand" or "Delete".....click on "Delete".
7.     Repeat  #6. on each site you want deleted from your history. 
8.     This does not delete your "favorites"...just your history.
9.     If you want to delete your "favorites", just be sure to memorize your favorite web sites!

Happy trails....

Must paint more snowmen.  Craft show will be here before I know it...only a week and a half to get ready...