It's done, it's over.  It's been a month-long process, but, now, it's really over. I don't like it, but, I have no choice in the matter.   My heart is broken.  Always will be.  Crushed.  I won't ever get over this one.  I just won't.  This one was different.  So many plans.  So many promises.  It hurts throughout each and every cell in my body.  Still so sick at my stomach.  This too shall pass.  A wonderful woman used to always say this when something was going awry.  This too shall pass.  I just don't see it happening anytime soon.  It will take forever and a day for me to get over this. 

The horrible headache, the stomach ache, the broken heart, all too much at once.  More than I can      handle.  But, I have to handle it. I remember when my Mom was dying of cancer.  People would constantly make comments like.."I just don't know how you can handle this; I wouldn't be able to."  WHAT?!?  This statement always made me furious!!!  You don't really have a choice.  You HAVE to handle it, you HAVE to deal with it.  It's not a choice.  When you lose someone, you don't really have a choice, you are just left behind to deal with the loss, the emptiness, the heartbreak, ON YOUR OWN, all by yourself.  There are no choices in the matter.  So, I guess I just need to figure out HOW to handle this.  One moment at a time.  I can't do one hour or even one day at a time.  I'm doing good just to get through each and every moment.  I won't be able to do it without God's help.  That is the only way I'll ever survive each moment, each hour, each day, each month, each lonely, lonely year.  He has always been there for me, even through my darkest hours.  The loss of my beautiful, sweet mother...HE was there.  All of my daughter's heart surgeries...HE was there.  Everything I've ever had to go through...HE was there.  My ONLY salvation, my only hope, always and forever.  God is good.  He knows our heart.  He knows our everything.  He promised He wouldn't give us more than we could handle.  I'm banking on that, because I am there.  I can't handle any more heart break. None.  But, in my heart, I know that God will answer our prayers.  He always does.  <3

Just when I think maybe there is hope....nothing.  Zip.  Empty.  Sick.  WHY?!?!

Here we go again...rollercoaster ride.  I just want this sick stomach to go away.  I want to be happy again. 

That's all.  Just happy. 

Baby Jakob is fine, I am happy to report.  :) 

Even though the railroad tracks are several blocks away from my house, I can hear the train quite clearly at 3:58 a.m., after being awakened by yet another horrible nightmare. I've had two nightmares in less than a week. I don't care to give details or discuss either one of them. Let's just say I woke up screaming and/or crying during both nightmares. I HATE these kinds of dreams!!!


I won't be able to go back to sleep until I know my grandbaby is okay. I called my son at 3:19 a.m., and demanded that he call his wife to make sure the baby was okay. They are in another town, three hours away, visiting her sisters, and her step-mom. I'm sure he thought I was crazy and had officially lost it. I was hysterical, to say the least. He reassured me that the baby was okay, but, I still want a phone call bright and early when they wake up, telling me he is okay. Why, oh, why, on earth, do we have such dreams?? I've not been getting much sleep, then, when I do, this happens. Makes me just not want to sleep now, if I'm going to have these kinds of dreams...

I used to love rollercoasters, but, not so much anymore.  In fact, I loved all of the rides at the carnival and the county fair.  Nowadays, they just make me sick.  I have no desire, whatsoever, to get on one.  Funny how a person can ride one carnival ride after another as a young teenager.  However, there came a day when one ride was enough, in fact, the last ride that made me sick was actually a kiddie ride!  Crazy, huh? 

I feel like I'm on a terminal rollercoaster ride right now, with a never-ending sick stomach.  I'm up one minute, down the next, but, sick most of the time.  I'm ready to get off of this sickening ride.  I'm ready for the drama to be over with, once and for all.  It's just taking way too long for my stomach to settle after this crazy, wild ride.  I feel like that person on the ferris wheel yelling, "STOP!  I want to get off; I'm sick!"  The carnival worker pretends not to hear you,  just looks at you, grins, and never stops, until its TIME for the ride to be over. 

I want this to be a good ride, not a bad ride, that makes me physically ill.  I'm ready to have fun again, to join the living, the smiling, the happy.  Now, if my heart and my stomach would just cooperate, we'd all be okay.  At least, we'd survive this crazy ride called "LIFE".

Okay, today was somewhat easier.  Thank you, Lord.  Still sick at my stomach, but, not crying as much.  Still feeling very lost and empty inside.  I hate being such a whiner.  I hate feeling this way.  Why can't I pull myself out of this?  I will.  It's just going to take awhile.  I am making progress, slowly, but, surely.  I think.

I can listen to the radio on the way to and from work, without having to turn it off when certain (well, almost all) songs come on, then, having to turn it back on because I can't stand the silence.  Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep is the worst though.  However, one can get many things done by getting up when this happens, taking the shower, getting dressed, and still having two or three hours to go before having to go to work!  Losing weight is also another wonderful side effect of a broken heart.  I need to just lose about forty more, then, I'll be fine!

For some reason, I seem to have the hardest time at work.  I don't know why.  I think I did better today, since I left early to go to the doctor.  I only had one class of my students, before I had to leave.  No plan period, no lunch break, so, I was never alone. 

I'll survive, but, I think this one is probably going to be one of the toughest I've ever gone through.  I'm just ready for the sadness, emptiness, and sick stomach to be over.

I'm so ready to quit being sick at my stomach.  When will this end?  When? I need to get busy, so, I can forget. 

Who would've EVER thought we would feel the effects of a  5.1 magnitude earthquake in Oklahoma??  I was sitting at my desk at school, when I felt the whole building shake, and the huge printer sitting next to my desk, actually shook.  I e-mailed several people in my building, my son in Tulsa, friends in Broken Arrow, and Berryhill, and asked if they felt it.  My feller, in McAlester, said they felt it down there!!  Scary, crazy, weird!!!  I'm so glad I don't live in California or other parts of the country/world where they experience the really big ones!!  That was scary enough for me!! 

Okay, I'm getting my happy back.  It's a very guarded happy, but, nonetheless, happy.  The sick stomach is improving, not quite completely gone, but getting better.  This is going to take time, patience, and lots of conversation.  I'm willing to put in the work, because it will be worth it.  It is worth it.

At least I'm no longer in limbo.  I have some direction now.  I'm not as lost as I was this time last week.  Thank you, Lord, for miracles.  Thank you, Lord, for blessings.  I am truly blessed, beyond measure.  It is oh, so much better to know where I'm going now.  I'm not very good at not knowing what direction I'm going.  I have to know the details, the plan, and be ready for what is coming.  Last week I knew nothing of what was coming, when it would all play out, or how to plan.  Everything was up in the air, for an indefinite amount of time.  Not knowing is not my favorite condition to be in.  Wondering when the bottom is  going to drop out is no fun.  In fact, it's downright scary. 

I don't do scary.  I never liked scary movies, scary books, scary anything.  Fear of the unknown equals scary. Then, add to all of that, lonely. Scary plus Lonely equals Sad.  I don't do lonely very well, either.  Even though, ironically, I've always basically been a true loner, in every sense of the word.  Being alone has never really bothered me.  I guess I've been alone much of my life, sometimes even when I'm surrounded by people.   I've never been one to "need" to be with other people.  Don't get me wrong, I do love to be with my children, family, and friends, but, I've never felt compelled to "be" with someone 24/7, until now, that is.  I NEED my alone time.  I crave alone time....normally.  I LOVE being with my kids, family, and friends, but, I still crave a certain amount of alone time.  I just like to be alone to think sometimes, to plan, to organize my thoughts, to write, read, contemplate.  Alone time calms me.  Alone time heals me;  alone time was NOT good last week.  I did not want to be alone at work.  Down time was not good or calming.  Alone was not where I wanted to be last week.  Alone was a very dark, sad, place last week, and excruciatingly quiet.  I'm not liking "alone" time near as much as I used to.  I need "together" time now.  "Together" is the key word for now, and probably from here on out, for me.  I think "together" is my better choice from here on out.  It's a good place for me.  I like it.  Together...I do like it.

What a difference a day makes.  What a difference a week makes.  The emotions have run the gamut this week.  Never have been one to be depressed, sad, and lonely.  Never have been one to worry.  I don't do negative, never has been my strong suite.  I've always been the eternal optimist.  But, not this week.  God said it was a sin to worry, to let Him take care of our worries.  Well, for some reason, I had a really hard time letting go of my worries this week, and didn't quite let God handle them.  Instead, I stewed over them, cried over them, and made myself  literally sick over them.  Why didn't I just give them all to God, like I normally do?  I can't answer that; it remains a mystery to me, as to why I just didn't let HIM handle all my worries this week.  I had some very good friends/cousins/kids praying for me and my "situation", so, why wasn't that good enough for me?  Why did I think it necessary to do the biggest part of the worrying myself?  Did I think it would change anything?  I don't know, it's still a mystery to me.  However, the prayers and support of my loved ones have pulled me through.  I am still sick at my stomach, but, things are way better now.  Some things have been resolved today, others need to be discussed and agreed upon.  I love my friends and family for being there for me and giving me their prayers and undying, protective support and love.  God sent angels to help me through this.  It was hard.  It was heart-breaking.  Now, it is over, for the most part, anyway.  I feel at peace now, and am satisfied with God's answer to prayer.  I have learned some valuable lessons, ones I will not soon forget.  It may take some time for these wounds to heal.  I may be a little guarded.  I may be a little gun shy.  But, for the most part, I think I will get my happy back, soon...