Update:  I did it!  I moved to another state!  I got a new job.  I can't believe I actually did it.  I moved in one day; started my new job the next day.  Yikes!  I still have to pinch myself every morning and ask myself if I was crazy or if it was the smartest thing I ever did.  I'm still sort of in denial. Not sure this is real.  It's just plain crazy.  The last several weeks have flown by. 

I know two things for sure.  One:  I miss my Jakob.  Terribly.  He's only three, but, oh, so smart, and oh, so much fun.  I feel so horribly guilty for leaving him and moving a whole state away.  Well, it's only a couple of hours away, but, feels like a world away.  Two:  I miss my kids.  I feel like I deserted them too.  These are the reasons I wonder if I did the right thing. 

I do, however, love my new job and my new students.  I know, I'm probably still living in the "honeymoon phase" with these kids, but, they are SO stinkin' sweet, polite, and full of personality.  I feel like I've hit the lottery, in more than one way, with this new job.  Most of my kiddos are Hispanic or Marshallese.  They are so much fun to get to know and again, just couldn't be any more polite.  I know, I shouldn't be bragging on them, but I can't help it.  Thank you, Lord, for each and every one of these kids. 

Things are going pretty good.  I am blessed. 

THEN. 

Another decision to make.  Why?  What to do, what to do?  Seriously?  I wasn't really ready to make another decision at this point.  Why can't life just be plain and simple?  Uneventful.  I don't need or like THAT much change.  I've made and experienced enough changes in the last three years, heck, three months, for that matter, to last a life time.  I was really hoping this was it for at least a year or two.  Lord, you do have a sense of humor, don't you? 

This has been a busy summer, and of course, it has flown by like it always does.  This is the middle of July and I'm still just as busy as I was while school was still going on.  There are way too many things going on, and I truly just want to rest for a few days with no where to go, no appointments, no commitments, etc.  I just want to stop the clock.  I think I probably say that each and every summer, don't I? 

I'm still pretty confused.  I have filled out all of the applications to teach in another state.  I have done a couple of interviews.  Now, the waiting for last minute offers, then, trying to decide what to do. The decision whether to take a job, if offered.  The decision what to do with everything in my house.  The decision what to do with my house.  The decision whether to go by myself if my friend does not also get a job in this other state.  Decisions, decisions...something I am NOT very good at. 

Being by myself should not be a problem.  I should be used to that.  Sadly, I'm not.  Still very hard.  But to be by oneself in a whole different state where I don't know ANYONE, that will be even harder, I'm sure.  Am I too old to make all of these changes, or am I way past due? 

Throw in another wrench.  Yes, a wrench that I had put back in the far recesses of my mind and hadn't expected to have to deal with for a few more years.  This wrench reared it's ugly head last Wednesday when I woke up.  I'm not digging it.  Not one bit.  Suddenly, I find myself feeling guilty for every small thing I once took for granted my entire life.  Numero uno on that list, of course, is my vision.  It hasn't always been the best, but, at least I could read, write, and drive before, with very little difficulty. Now, those three little things are much more challenging since waking up last Wednesday.  Those cataracts that my eye doctor told me about a year or two ago?  The ones he told me we'd just watch.  He said, "We'll just watch them and wait until they get really bad, THEN do surgery."  That was really the last time I thought about them.  I don't worry.  Never have.  No sense in it, no need, and it doesn't help.  Ever.  I guess I really just kind of forgot about them.  Didn't really even think they'd get this bad this soon.  I have a new found respect for people who have to deal with this on a daily basis, and have done so most of their lives.  HOW do they deal with it?  How do they remain independent?  Of course, I know I'm probably being overly dramatic, because from what I've heard, the surgery is a breeze and works miracles.  I'm hoping and praying that this sudden loss of vision is those darn cataracts and NOT something else.  The something else could possibly be the fact that the medicine I take for my Lupus could cause me to go blind.  If you're reading this and you pray, please say a little prayer that my sudden vision impairment is JUST cataracts, NOT the other possibility!  I'm hoping to find something out for sure this week, when I go to see my eye doctor.  Hoping that it is cataracts and he schedules my surgery very soon.  I cannot afford to take off work during the first month of school, especially if I get a job in a different state.  That would NOT be kosher!  Please, Lord, let this just be something minor, that can be taken care of soon.  I'm hoping the doctor does not say we need to let it get worse.  I can barely drive as it is.  I can barely see anything on my phone.  I have to enlarge my computer screen in order to see anything, and it's still very foggy or blurry. 

Okay, enough whining about my little problems.  I'm alive, and I am thankful.  I know, it could be worse.  Thank  you, Lord, for the many blessings you have given me. 

Three day weekend!!  Then, only four kiddo days and five teacher days left.  Five days total.  So much to get done between now and then.  SO much paperwork, it's not EVEN funny.  I am going to need generous helpings of coffee and chocolate in the next eight days!

Then, marathon house cleaning for at least two weeks solid.  Next on the agenda, summer break!!  :)  I'm ready.  Ready for some R&R, and lots of it.

Eleven more kiddo days....

Twelve more teacher days...

I can do this.

Too much to do in so little time...

Why couldn't I live in Mexico, where I might enjoy siestas and fiestas?  Hmmm...maybe that's where I need to go...

Why couldn't I live on a deserted island and lie on the beach all day (and not get a sunburn)?

Why couldn't I live in Nova Scotia and gaze up to see the Northern Lights?

Why couldn't I live in Australia with the koalas?

Why couldn't my career consist of being a travel critic?  Food critic??  Fun critic? 

Why can't I just do crafts and go to craft fairs for a living? 

Writer?  Yes, that would be a delightful career... choice de numero uno!

No, I think I want to be a professional hot air balloon rider, skydiver, and glider pilot!

I can dream, no?

Okay, back to reality...twelve more kid days and thirteen more teacher days until school is out, THEN, I'll dream of doing all of the above.



Must make major life decisions soon.  Still relying on your answers, dear Lord. 

Still waiting patiently.

Miss you, Mom.

Miss you, Dad.

Love you both.

 

I need you now.

P.S.  I don't want easy.  I want crazy.  Seriously.

Feeling like I don't really know which way to turn.  What's my next move?  Do I stay?  Do I go?  If I go, WHERE do I go?  Feeling pretty lost, as usual.  I would love it if God would just hand me my owner's manual and tell me how it's all going to work out.  It's those "little details" I'd like to know all about - At this point, what should I do with my life? Should I go or should I stay?  If I stay, what then?  If I go, where then?  Which state?  Which job?  Questions.  Decisions.  Mysteries.  Help, Lord, I don't know what to do, where to turn, where to go.

Endings bring new beginnings.  Am I ready for a new beginning?  A new setting?  Am I ready to start over, AGAIN?  Starting over is both exciting and extremely hard.  I just don't know.  My daughter recently texted me and asked me to tell her what I thought she should do this summer.  How do I begin to even know what SHE should do, when I have NO clue what it is I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life?  I don't have her answers.  I don't have my answers.  I'm lost.  I need help making these decisions too.  There is no one to help me, except God.  It's really hard making decisions over and over and over by yourself.  I've made poor choices.  I've made good choices.  Right now, I'm undecidedly, overwhelmingly, helplessly drowning in indecision, and it just stinks royally.  Dear Lord, I really need your help with all of these decisions.  I need that owner's manual.  I need a clue.  I need a revelation, an answer, a sign. 

I'm here.  I'm listening.  I'm waiting.  I need your help.  Show me, tell me, reveal to me, as I sit here trying not to tap my toes.  Trying really hard to be still and hear your voice.

Love,
me

Spring Break DID arrive....but, I'm sad to say, it will be gone in less than 48 hours!  Where did the week go?  In typical fashion, it definitely flew by, but, I've thoroughly enjoyed my break.  However, I'm a little upset I didn't get my housecleaning goals, and many other projects completed this week. Why do I always think I'm going to get it all done over these short breaks? My "to do" list is a mile long.

I did get to spend time with good friends in Tulsa for a few days.  We did a little Spring Break shopping, and decided to hang around Tulsa, instead of our usual road trip.  With Morgan out of the country, I really just wanted to stay close to home, just in case something, heaven forbid, were to happen.  I'm most excited about my new pair of tennis shoes! I'm ready to get back into my gym/workout routine, and back into good eating habits.  I think I did a little "stress eating" after my dad passed, and the 'ol waistband is just a little too snug for comfort.  Instead of only have twenty pounds to go, I now have thirty pounds to go before I meet that particular goal!  Our third annual "Class of 77 Girls Weekend Retreat" has given me the motivation I need to get back on track.  Plus, I know I just felt way better ten pounds ago!

Morgan catches her flight from Guadalajara at 11:00 this morning.  From there, they fly to Houston, have a layover, then, fly to Dallas and supposed to arrive there at 5:40 this evening.  From Dallas, they will drive to Stillwater.  My heart will be calm when she calls me in Houston, then, Dallas, and finally, from Stillwater.  It's been a long week, but at the same time, it has gone by quickly.  I have enjoyed looking at the pictures of their trip on facebook.  Getting daily texts has also helped.  International texting for $10.00 + international calling minutes for $30.00 = PRICELESS peace of mind, to say the least.  Best $40.00 EVER spent by this moma!

Weekend agenda:
     1.  Pray for Morgan's safe return to America.
     2.  Do some last-ditch house-cleaning.
     3.  Clean out pantry; donate anything that is not a veggie or healthy to neighbor!
     4.  P90x; Zumba; elliptical air walker; etc.
     5.  Laundry.
     6.  Water plants.
     7.  Find remainder of needed items to complete income taxes.
     8.  Enjoy last weekend of Spring Break.
     9.  Clean out truck.
    10. Read or write!

Wow!  I had better get busy.  I have lots to do in a very little time.  Only nine weeks of school left until summer break!  I have a feeling this summer will bring lots of changes!

Vaya con Dios!

     My long awaited Spring Break is finally here this week!  Even though it's just Monday, I already know it's going by WAY too fast!  Yet, at the same time, it is actually dragging by (which NEVER happens).  I suppose my daughter being in Guadalajara, Mexico, has something to do with that.  She left on Friday, at 5:00 p.m.  I spent the night with her the night before in her dorm room.  We were up until 3:00 a.m. the night before trying to get all of her packing done, last minute shopping at Wal-Mart (at 1:30 a.m.), and trying to mark everything off her to-do list.  We finally fell into bed with an early wake-up call headed our way.  She had classes to attend; I had to walk a couple of blocks down the street before 8:00 a.m., to get my temporary university parking permit, to avoid a costly parking ticket. 

     While she attended her last two or three classes before Spring Break and her trip to Mexico, I continued to clean and organize her room, ran for a quick breakfast and coffee, and returned before she finished classes.  When she did return, we still had more last minute shopping, mainly just for an across-the-body backpack, which continued to elude us store after store after store.  We finally found a suitable substitute, and a few more last minute items, and a few snacks for her trip. By few, I mean THREE sacks full.  She bought enough to feed the whole mission team, plus, everyone on the airplane, I'm sure.  She had two large boxes of Little Debbies, one large container of beef jerky ($28.00 worth), two or three different kinds of chips, at least six large packages of Reece's cups(with four regular size Reece's cups in each package), a case of water, and two packages of gum, just to mention a few items.  Morgan is 5'8 &1/2" tall, and probably weighs 138 pounds soaking wet, so, I doubt if she'll even eat many of those snacks, except the beef jerky.  She loves beef jerky and she loves to share and help others.

     Letting my daughter leave on a trip to a foreign country when she only just recently went out of state without her mother, was the hardest thing I've ever done.  Her last two trips out of state, (for  livestock judging competitions) which just occurred during the last month and a half, resulted in her leaving her purse at her dorm when she was on her way to Mississippi, and leaving it at a hotel in Fort Worth, on her way to San Antonio!  So, imagine how worried I am about her losing her passport, purse, or medicine.  It just makes me sick to think that she could lose her passport and not be able to board the airplane to come back to America.  I'm wondering if God was trying to teach her a lesson when she left her purse behind twice within three weeks??  I'm sure hoping she took heed and will hang onto her belongings. 

      Thank goodness I discovered that I could buy fifty international texts and eighty international talking minutes for only $40.00!  This was probably my best purchase EVER!  Best money ever spent to give me a huge sense of relief and safety, just knowing she can text or call me anytime.  The plan is for her to text me one night; text her dad one night; text her boyfriend one night, then, we all share the texts with each other.  Then, if she hasn't had to use as many texts, by the end of the week, she can text more often.  Phone calls are reserved for dire emergencies only, i.e., medical emergencies.  She has already had one migraine; praying she doesn't have any more the rest of the week.  Praying nothing happens with her heart, but, her heart doctor examined her a few weeks ago and assured me she would probably be fine, since she would only be gone for a week.  I pray he is right. 

     Okay, I am waiting for my text.  It is my turn and it is getting late.  I did text her to see if she was okay. We can send her as many texts as we want and it doesn't count against her fifty.  She texted me back and said they had just finished eating supper, and were heading back to the hotel.  That was exactly forty-five minutes ago.  Tap, tap, tap.....I'm waiting, Morgy.  Oh, I guess I could go check facebook to see if there are any new pictures posted by the adult sponsors of this mission trip! Thank goodness for technology.  I would REALLY be a basketcase without that little connection provided by texts and facebook pictures!

Weekend, where are you?  Snow days, where are you?  Spring Break, where are you?  Summer, where are you?  Come on, I need a break, and it's only Tuesday! 

This has already been the longest week ever.  I am swamped.  I mean drowning, in paperwork. Covered.  I had five IEPs scheduled for this week.  I wrote three of them last night, one two weeks ago, one more to go.  Meetings held so far this week...one no show; two today; one tomorrow; one Thursday.  Then, ready to schedule five more!  I'm ready to get these done and behind me.  Approximately fifteen more to go, give or take. depending on new move ins or move aways, between now and the end of the school year.  My three year reevaluations are almost out of the way, then, I will be able to concentrate on just having my IEP meetings.

Whatever possessed me to pursue a career where I do tons of paperwork, beyond that of a regular teacher?  I don't mind the lesson plans, grading papers, recording grades, etc., in fact, I actually love writing my lesson plans!  I know, I'm weird, right?  It's the multitude of special education paperwork that overwhelms me on a daily basis.  I just wanted to help kiddos that are struggling.  Twenty-six years ago, there were no ten to twenty page IEPs, parent rights, parent surveys, review of existing data, MEEGs, and on and on and on.  I am just ready to get all of this done, so I can just enjoy TEACHING, of all things, for the rest of the semester. 

Oh, wait....

There's that thing called achievement testing.  Just shoot me.  No really, just shoot me.  That will take approximately three months, grand total.  Here's hoping I get ALL of my IEPs done before that all begins! 

Hey, weekend, I'll see you this Friday! 

Empty, lost, lonely, and broken. 

Those are the only words I can think of to describe my feelings the day after my Dad's funeral.  We laid him to rest yesterday. 

My Dad passed away on Saturday, January 5th, at 4:00 a.m.  The last four days are just a blur.  So many arrangements, plans, decisions, and people to talk to, in such a short time.

My Daddy worked as a lineman for PSO, and other companies all over the United States, as a journeyman lineman. He also had his private pilot license and passed on his love of flying and airplanes to his only daughter, even though I never got my license, I always wanted to. He was an avid fisherman and hunter, often traveling to Canada or Colorado to pursue that love. He loved Alaska, Canada, and of course, America, always flying his American flag proudly lit up in his front yard.

He loved nature, growing beautiful gardens, spending time with his family and friends, but, most of all, helping people, with nothing expected in return. He loved to tease and tell jokes. He loved to laugh. He fell off an electrical pole once, broke both arms, punctured his spleen, and survived. He loved adventure, history, and was the smartest man I've ever known.

He could tell wonderful stories of his many adventures and amaze me with each and every one. He loved spinning yarns with his long-time buddies at the Bliss Restaurant, here in our little town of Nowata, every morning for years, until he became ill. He knew everyone. Everyone knew him. Everyone loves and respects him. He was a good man.

I remember a vacation he and I took many, many years ago. He showed me the Grand Canyon, Carlsbad Caverns, Juarez, Mexico, and took me to Riudoso Downs in
Arizona, and Disneyland. What a crazy, fun adventure! My Daddy has done more for me and my children than I ever deserved.

I will miss him horribly, but, at the same time, I'm happy that he now has a brand new, wonderful, healthy, eternal life in Heaven, with our Lord and Saviour. My sweet, sweet Daddy, I love you SO very much, and can't wait to see you at the HOUSE!!